I Need More Cheese

Work has been so busy lately that I haven’t had two seconds to myself in three days. I don’t have the time now but I’m taking it anyway. If I can eat and work I can eat and blog. But what to blog about? Well I’ve lost 5 pounds officially. I gained one then lost it again this weekend but what can I expect with cake and sandwiches in the house. I enjoyed myself with good food so I’m not going to stress the small things. And one pound is a very small thing. Five pounds however is a very large ting and I celebrated by spending money, like I do, on Laine at Old Navy. Mom spent some money on me, like she does, and who could stop her? No me and I didn’t want to, I got a super comfy dress from her that I wore for two days strait.
Erik told me that he’s finally done working at the church on Thursday, then he went back to finish up again on Friday. I’m expecting him to have to “finish it up” a few more times before he’s really done. He’s completely incapable of leaving a job in regular working order. It has to be perfect. And that’s a good thing, it just takes longer and I miss having Erik at home.
Last night Laine and I were waiting for Erik to come home and he came around 8:00 at which point we went upstairs to put Laine down, which is laying in my bed until she falls asleep. Erik saw I had things covered and went downstairs but I made him come back up and sit by the bed within Laine’s eye line. Part of the problem I have with Laine is that she is so clingy with me all the time. If you know me you know I love it, I need her as much as she needs me, more even, and I never get enough hugs from her. But at the end of the day with I’m trying to get dinner made or do housework, I really can’t do it with her on my hip. I mean I can but it’s hard. So it would be nice if she would go to Erik when he is home but she won’t. When we are out of the house, at the park or church or anywhere she is such a daddy’s girl but at home it’s all mommy all the time. So I made him help me put her to bed by just staying in the room with us. I think part of the problem is that Laine doesn’t see Erik as a part of out nighttime routine so he doesn’t belong there to her. I’m trying to change that. I’m changing a lot of stuff lately. I haven’t cooked dinner even once this week yet. I wait to eat until after Laine is asleep and Erik had been eating sandwiches and soup leftover from this weekend. Laine’s meals are so easy, steam some veggies and cut up an apple and she’s set so it’s no work to feed her, then we just play and cuddle until bedtime.
I’ve been getting overly stressed out at nights. I know I’ve got it so much easier than most other people. I have a great kid and an amazingly helpful husband, but around 9:00 every night I’m breaking down into an angry frustrated puddle in the kitchen stressing about the dishes that haven’t been washed since Monday because I don’t have the energy to do it or the laundry that’s been in a pile since March because I can’t get the motivation to not just wash the same three outfits over and over again. It’s not like I’m crying all the time or pulling my hair out over it, I’m just fed up with it. I want to throw all the dishes in the trash and pack up all our clothes and drop them off at the Goodwill. I’m not tired of doing it all I’m just tired of doing it on my own. I want my husband home. I want him home to be there to sit in the kitchen and talk to me as I do the dishes. I want him home to hand me hangers as I’m putting away the laundry, I want him home to comfort Laine when she gets scared of the vacuum, I want him home to laugh with me over Laine trying to help me sweep the floors and dust the lamps. I’m tired of having a long distance relationship with my husband and I’m tired of my daughter being uncomfortable around her dad at night.
I’ve tried saying to myself, single mothers do this stuff every day and they get it done and if I were a single mother I’d get it done too. A huge chunk of my anxiety comes from the fact that I have a husband and he’s just not home with me. And of course he knows this but what can we do? His Job is his job and it’s not going to change anytime soon. I guess I just need to get over it already. I whine too much. That seems to be all this blog is about anymore.
And we are thinking about adding another baby into this mix. Maybe we need to think again.

Dolls, Sleep and a Broken Streak

I am literally having to pull myself up by the hair and taping my hands to the keyboard to get this written. I hope you can appreciate the effort I’m making.
For the last four days all I’ve thought or dreamt about are dolls, it’s getting a little out of hand. I didn’t do laundry or dishes all weekend. Not one load in either machine. Laine only got one bath all weekend and that was on Sunday night and it was only because we were at my mom’s house and it was embarrassing how much she needed it. I know I’m a horrible mother; Laine could have contracted some insane disease from the bacteria and dirt. Whatever. She’s fine. And clean now. Plus she’s a toddler; there is a Clorox like excretion on her skin, like whatever touches her, she kills before it can hurt her. Unless it’s a cold germ, then she’s helpless. But like I said, now she’s clean and I have my ideas finally situated. I’m glad I took the time for myself. It would have been awesome if I’d had someone to help out and take care of the house and baby for me while I was taking this time for myself, I’m thinking that maybe I’ll start dating again, boyfriends are so much more helpful than husbands. It’s worth bringing up to Erik, maybe over dinner tonight. If I cook for him; I may be making a doll.
So far I’ve been working from a pattern that was someone else’s, it’s not copyrighted that I know of but on the off chance that it is and on the off chance I decide to sell one or two I don’t want any problems. And I’m pretty sure I have it all worked out now, at least I have the idea worked out. Now I need to figure out how to take that idea and form a pattern out of it. Once that’s done its cheesy peasy fresh and easy. I have some amazing fabric that I picked up on Saturday and some super cute little buttons and beads too. I’m ready to do this thing; I just need the thing to get done so I can do it. You know?
So Friday. Friday I got off work around 3:00 and headed over to my persons house, where she was napping and I totally made the dogs bark and wake her up and then I felt bad and offered to leave but she was already up so I hung out for a little bit, the girls woke up from their nap soon after and it was a nice visit. I went home to piece together a doll I had been thinking about before going to go and get Laine from daycare around 6:00 and she and I headed into Friendswood to watch Josh play basketball. He’s so much better at it that Jacob was at his age, he gets on his man and stays there and totally took the shot when he had it, three year olds are amazing. Especially the ones related to me, because they all get their amazing gene from me. If you know my family and are questioning this, you can just shut your pie hole. You don’t have to understand it for it to be true. Science schmience.
When we were leaving the game Laine FAAAHH-lipped out. To the max. Apparently my mom pinched her right as I was putting Laine into the car seat, but Laine thought that I did it so she got all hateful towards me and started crying for Nanny. It’s the only explanation there is; if you were there you’d know.
Laine cried for a while in the car then started doing that sniffing thing, like she’s been crying for hours and her body doesn’t know it’s done and so it keeps faking the motions but there are no more tears. Ugh I hate that. It breaks the heart even worse than the crying, she even did it after she fell asleep. Then when I got home I walked in the door with her passed out but then April came barreling around the corner and clipped the back of my knee and I jostled Laine awake. She stayed up for another couple of hours before finally passing out for good. I can’t remember if she woke up or not, if she did I’m sure she went back down easily enough. I stayed up until a little after midnight sewing my doll and got everything but the stuffing done. So when I woke up the next morning I stuffed and stitched it up and took it with me to show mom at Jacob’s basketball game.
Erik had said that he’s got way too much to do around the house to go to a basketball game, so Laine and I tried waking him up when we got up around 6:00 but that was dumb, and it didn’t work. We tried again at 7 and 8 and finally I got testy and at 8:45 I told him if he’s too busy to go to a basket ball game I’d assume he’s too busy to sleep the day away. I snapped at him and stomped around the bedroom, turning on lights and yanking the covers off him because yeah, he decided he didn’t feel like going to my son’s basketball game, I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, YOU GO. Like you go to work and Sunday school. Then I got all involved with being pissed off that I didn’t realize how late I was running to the game myself. I got there a little late but beat Momma and Daddy. When I texted to find out where they were Mom used the “We’re old and move slow” card that I am pretty sure she’s never pulled out before. She was probably doing something with dad that she didn’t want to share because she knew I’d share it on here so she said she was just moving slow. Joke’s on her though, because whether they did or not you are all totally thinking they were “dancing the mattress jig” now aren’t you. Ha. They probably were. Rabbits.

After the game I headed to the house. I was going to just get my doll pattern and head to mom’s house so that together we could work out the idea for the shape of the body but Laine fell asleep in the car so when we got to the house we just stayed there and I let her nap. When we were at the basketball game Josh had asked me to make him a boy doll and since I have no idea where to start on that I made him a little monster instead that turned out really cute. I finished it up right as Laine was waking up from her nap and at the same time Erik walked out of the bedroom freshly showered and ready to go to Nicolette’s birthday party, and tried to tell me all he’d done around the house which was a whole load of nothing. It was all garage stuff that I’d never be able to know for sure if he did it that day or months ago. I’m pretty sure he watched TV the whole time. And even though I took an entire weekend to sew I can still be a horribly bitter person about him taking time to do his own thing, because at least I didn’t lie. I have no proof he lied and I’d probably never say it to his face, but still. Liar.
We headed over to my persons to celebrate Nic’s first birthday, and it was such a great party. Exactly what I want for Laine’s, family only and as soon as everyone is assembled its gifts and cake and thank you for coming now get out. Ah, that would be so nice. Thirty minutes and you’re down to just the people you really want to be there. Or you’re down to the people that think you really want them to be there. Those folks are generally the ones you do want around and if you don’t it’s really your own fault for faking it and making them think that. Yeah, we stayed.
Laine got to hit a piñata kind of by herself for the first time and when the candy came out she jumped on it like a rabid dog, she stuffed every single lollypop she could find into her bag, I think she may have even stolen some out of the other kids bags. They all got left behind because we don’t do candy at the house ever, but for a short time they were "MINE!” I’m pretty sure it’s about as epic a moment as she’s ever had.
We gave Nicolette the Colette doll. She seemed to like it, whether she really does or not though I guess is fine, it matched her room anyway, so that’s lucky. I’d like to make her an owl soon too, that would match her room even better, I found a owl mobile pattern that was flipping amazing, and I know she’s a little old for a mobile so it could be a ridiculous thing to do but I never really claimed to be in my right mind.
We left the party and headed home around 4:00 I guess, my allergies were nowhere near as bad as they could have been but still I needed to take a few minutes to breath deep once I was home. I took some Sudafed and made a cup of Theraflu and was finally able to stop sniffling. I really hate that I’m so sensitive to other people’s pets; it’s inconvenient and makes me feel like I’m insulting that person or their house and that makes me feel horrible.
Saturday night Erik had to drive out to James’ house to pick up a used faucet that Erik wanted to use for our kitchen sink and while he was gone Laine and I started climbing the walls with boredom so I took her with me out to JoAnn and she was a big help picking out the felt and buttons. She was a not so big help when it came to no chewing on the buttons but I take what I can get with her. Since it was too early for Laine to fall asleep in the car I stopped halfway home when I started seeing her doze. I pulled into the Kroger at 528 and Bay Area and decided we needed toothpaste anyway so we walked around Kroger for an hour. Have you been in that Kroger? It’s huge. We were there for an hour and I didn’t even get to see the Organic section. That part was waaaaay over on the other side and I got side tracked by the Pepper Wall and the four choices of Brussels sprouts. Amazing. Laine was totally into the miniature cart she was able to push around the store, not really functional if you’re doing any real shopping but for one or two things it was a ton of fun. But even the most funnest things in the world get old and boring given enough time and a toddler’s attention span so we finally got on the road close to 7:30 and she passed out again in the car but this time stayed out all night. Until 2:00. That’s her witching hour apparently, when the scary things come out and she has to be awake for an hour before going back to sleep. It’s become a regular thing, something I can’t even complain about anymore because it’s become my life. My regular routine is to wake up at 2 and stay up till 3 then sleep again until 5:30. No complaining because there is no changing it. Unless of course I get that boyfriend.
Sunday morning came at 5:30. Surprise! Laine let us stay in bed until 7:00 but then she started getting rowdy at which point I popped Erik on the head and told him it was his turn to get up early. And to his credit he got up right away, no complaints or arguments. He went downstairs and forgot the baby, but he did come right back up to get her. No, I didn’t get any rest in the extra hour I was in bed, I was terrified he’d forget about her again and I just knew at any second she was going to scream out because he’d stepped on her or something. But she didn’t. Still I didn’t sleep. I did however stay in bed then whole time, it was an exercise in restraint but I made it through, I even took a shower by myself. That’s a really big deal. I went downstairs to find Laine and Erik still in pajamas with fifteen minutes to get out the door. I should have known better but I didn’t fuss, I’m getting used to it I guess. Laine and I were dressed and headed for the door while Erik was still searching the house for a pair of pants. Genius should have looked in the closet but I didn’t say anything.
At church I found it difficult to hold my head up much less keep my eyes open, the only part that grabbed and held my attention both services was Russell’s singing. If he made a CD I’d buy it. I miss the Willingham’s doing worship, but mom said I may see more of them soon, so I’ll just keep my fingers crossed for that.
I worked in the nursery for second service and by 11:30 I was nodding off in the rocking chair with the girl baby so I had to have Erik come in and play with the boy baby. Me and the girl snuggled down and got our rock on for the last half hour and by the end of church I was finally getting my energy back up. It didn’t last long though, once I was in the car I fell asleep. Erik decided to drop me off at home and take Laine out to lunch with my folks. AMAZING IDEA! The best idea he’s probably ever had. I did sleep then, for a whole three hours I slept and I didn’t even move. My leg was still half off the bed when Laine came tearing into my room to wake me up at 3:30. She’d taken her nap on Erik’s shoulder while he was shopping at Lowes. He said he had a basket in one hand and Laine in the other, and he didn’t set her into a cart because he wanted her to sleep and that by the end of the trip his arm was dead. I let him boo-hoo about it because I’d just had a nap, but after complaining about it for fifteen minutes I told him “yes, dear, I know it was probably very difficult, I’m sorry about that but I’m so happy that you let her sleep. It was a very good daddy move” but my tone said “Shut the eff up dear, I love you but I’ll punch you in the no-go hole if you say another word about how hard you had it for the last three hours” He caught the gist of it though I think because he dropped it.
Once I was fully awake and we were all enjoying eachother's company watchign TV Erik said he wanted to do a few things around the house but throughout the day Laine had become attached to him and wasn’t letting him work (GOD! I WONDER WHAT THAT’S LIKE?!) So to pay him back for taking care of me I took Laine over to my mom’s where I was finally able to get her input on the doll, we didn’t get to talk about it too much but we did get to hang out. Daddy was busy with bills and taxes so Mom and I got to hang out just the two of us and watch a movie. At one point Laine left us to find my Dad, she ended up falling asleep on him so it was really REALLY just me and mom for almost an hour. That never happens and it was GREAT.
Around 8:00 I bundled up Laine and took her home, she woke up and went back down about three times Sunday night but each time was shorter than the last so I was still mostly rested on Monday.
Work was fine, I had a couple of things to do and was glad to have it to do, and I am still waiting on that big job to come in. Just waiting… At 5:00 I left and got Laine, she and I got home and made meatloaf and waited for Daddy to get home. He got there starved and impatient for dinner, and even ate seconds when it was done. It’s been a long time since he’s asked for seconds, made me feel like maybe this loaf was a better loaf than the last loaf i made, even though I know it wasn’t. I told Laine “He likes the meatloaf; that means he likes me.” And Erik looked at me like that’s not at all what that means, and I got all hurt and he tried telling me that he likes me with or without the meatloaf and I was all “so you don’t like the meatloaf?”and he said that no, really it wasn’t his favorite but it was okay, and I was all oh, it’s okay well let me just go set it on fire because we can’t have okay food here, it’s got to be perfect then Erik said something about insane and committed and too expensive, I don’t know, whatever. But he did have seconds.
We watched TV for a while before bed adn I saw this commercial for Dexatrim Max and it says you can lose weight three times faster. Three times faster.... THREE TIMES FASTER THAN WHAT?! I'll never in my life get over how incomplete that comercial left me.
Today, I broke my streak. I had gone nine days without calling Erik. I had to call him this morning though because I’d forgotten the last two days to take diapers to the daycare and I needed him to drop it off for me. He picked up on the second ring. TWILIGHT ZONE!! I almost forgot what I was calling him about.
Tonight we are eating leftovers and I’m going to finally figure out my pattern, hopefully. That’s the plan anyway.

Harumph!

With all the toast nonsense going on right now I was really in the mood to bitch about something today but I got nothin’. I was thoroughly intending this blog to be about the pharmacy and how they ran me around and I’m all angry and whatnot but they were super helpful and quick and Laine’s prescription that I don’t think I really need but would like to have just in case got refilled.
I called the number on the scrip bottle and entered my scrip number and huffed and puffed a little when the automated message told me they’d have to contact my doctor to get permission to refill the order. Even though I knew that, it says so right there on the bottle it still bugged me. Anyway, I waited about two hours and then I called the number again and entered the Rx number again and waited and they told me that the order was in processing, but what did that mean? Is it getting filled because the doctor okayed it or is it still waiting to be okayed? So I pressed star and waited to talk to a tech, who got on the line before the hold noises got on my nerves and told me that the doctor had authorized the refill with the same directions but that the insurance wouldn’t cover it until the 26th, I’ve got one finger in the air ready to do my best “oh no they di’int” when she tells me but it’ll only be $31 instead of $25. Huh. Okay.
So now I have Laine’s prescription filled and it’ll be ready when I get off work so if Laine has any kind of relapse while we are out of town it’s taken care of. That’s great. That’s awesome. I’m pretty thrilled about not having to worry about that. However I still want something to bitch about. I mean, c’mon! Toast!
I was going to complain that I didn’t have anything to do today but then I got some bolts that need ordering. I was going to complain about not having any lunch today but then I found a bowl of soup in my fridge from Friday. I was going to complain about tons of stuff but now I can’t remember any of it. How messed up is this? I’m perfectly content with how today is going except for the fact that I can’t complain about anything. AH Ha! I can complain about that… no, I can’t... I already did. DRAT! and blast.

Just Plain Mean

Everyday at my office someone makes toast. Everyday I smell the sweet smell of toasty bready goodness waft into my office and I long for it. LONG FOR IT! I want that toast so bad. It’s the best smelling toast I’ve ever smelled. My toast never smells like that. Not even close. And God help me if there’s butter involved. I die. Damn you Ramsey. Damn you and your buttery toast.

So close, and yet so, so far.

Today it was Jack though, and he made a toasted peanut better and jelly sandwich. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? A little sympathy for the folks sitting ten feet from the toaster who do not have the gift of making perfect smelling toast. OH! And the one time I ask someone to toast my bread for me?? They burn it. No joke. This is cruel.

Back Roads

I may have mentioned on here that I have more than one way to drive to work. I have three different ways I can go and each has its pro’s and con’s.

I can take the Beltway and 288 but that way is expensive, three dollars a day plus it uses up more gas. However it shaves almost fifteen minutes off my drive, sometimes up to a half hour depending on traffic.
I can take 518 all the way in and that is my typical way going in the mornings, now that the school year is up and running again I have to deal with about six school zones but I really don’t mind that much. It’s still an easy ride.
I can also take the county roads into work, it’s a back, and round about way that takes the longest but uses the least amount of gas. Weird, that. Usually though I don’t’ go this way since it does take a full hour and I’m almost always running late.
Anyway, I took the long way this morning. Like I said, it’s rare for me to go this way especially at the end of the week when I’m done with going to work everyday and I resent the drive no matter what road I’m on. Usually I want to take the fastest way possible to get the day started and on its way to over quick. But last night was a hard night for me and the last thing I wanted today was to deal with rushed freeway traffic. I didn’t care to deal with angry mom’s trying to get into their schools and cutting people off just to get one more car length ahead, or speeding through red lights and seriously ladies?? You really aren’t getting there any quicker than you would had you not been an asshat. So when I got to Dixie Farm I’d decided to take the two lane back roads and just roll my windows down and turn my radio up and enjoy the county ride. I’ve got to say, I’ve been missing out. I haven’t been appreciating the beautiful ride I could be having every day. I just never take the time to look around at what I’m passing. I’m so concerned with the people around me and how fast we’re going that I’ve never really enjoyed the drive. Today I did though and I took pictures. This was my ride today and it’ll be the ride home too.

That's the sunrise over a feild through my window at 50mph.
Not too bad for a camera phone



Ahh, county roads and chemical tankers.



A Day At The Office

This conversation just happened.

Amanda (with chopsticks loaded with a 30 second effort’s worth of the best Tofu Pad Thai ever half way to her mouth): Mmm nom nom om. Yummy in my tummy lalala
Asshat: Hey, is that food you’re eating, like are you on your lunch break? I could come back...
Amanda:(with flying daggers of stink eye) No it’s fine, come on over. No, I graze all day, like the cow that I am, come on over and take up the only spare twelve minutes of my entire day
Asshat: Um, I got a program here and it’s wrong. You can look and fix it, yeah?
Amanda: Yeah, let’s see, beam 58B2… what’s wrong with it?
Asshat: Oh, um… it’s wrong?
Amanda: No it isn’t.
Asshat: Yeah, it’s like, the wrong beam size.
Amanda: No. It isn’t.
Asshat: Yeah in the program it’s wrong.
Amanda: (pointing at the program, then down to the drawings) No. It. Isn’t.
Asshat: Oh. Okay, sorry. Thanks.
And… scene.

Weekend Update

Is it just me or has the last few weeks flown past? Every day is running into the next, nothing is ever different. I get up, I work, I come home, and I sleep. In between I take care of Laine and Erik and the laundry.
Friday I left work close to four in the afternoon so I got home right at 5:00. Picked Laine up and was going to do a little shopping but decided against it, the mall was packed and I had some place to be in a few hours anyway so I didn’t want to try shopping if I was going to have to rush. So at 6:30 I headed over to the White’s and hung out with Mizz Andrea and my mom until about 9:00 then I went home to meet up with Erik and try to get some snuggle time in before bed but he was working so I went to bed alone.
Saturday I had to get some errands run so I took Laine with me to CVS and Hobby Lobby and the bank while Erik took April to the vet to see about the rash she’s developed. We met back at the house close to the same time and then left together to meet mom for lunch then head over to the Verizon store to get me a new phone that doesn’t suck. It’s amazing; it’s smarter than I am for sure. After Verizon we went to Kohl’s and Target and PetsMart before heading back towards home. On our way we stopped by a Christmas tree lot but didn’t find anything we liked, all the trees were scraggly looking so we opted for looking elsewhere another time. We thought that other time was going to be on Sunday but it wasn’t. Sunday we went to church to see Amy and Jacob and Josh in the Christmas play that the children’s classes were putting on, everyone was so wonderful. I can’t wait for Laine to be up there with her brothers, it’ll be so great, but I’ll definitely need better seats next time.
After church Laine and I took about a two hour nap together while Erik worked. He was still working when I got up, he was still working when I fed Laine and he was still working when I put her down for her second nap hours later. Finally around 5:00 he stopped just long enough for us to make a quick visit to his parents house, we visited and ate dinner and had some coffee then Erik got another call and had to go back home to work again. He was just crawling into bed when I woke up with Laine at 4:00. I know the economy suck and I know I should be grateful that he even has a job, and I am. But I really can’t express to you how much I truly hate his job. We still don’t have a Christmas tree.

Snow In Texas

Oh, shut the state down! Haha, or maybe just the office. Today is a snow day for me and my coworkers who have all turned into seven year old kids.

Stuffity Stuff Stuff

I’ve been trying to figure out what to write about today and I’ve got nil. So I’m just going to free write a bit. I haven’t updated anyone on the gifts I received for my birthday and I’m sure you’re all dying to know what I got and you didn’t but I’ll tell you anyway. I got the start of my unique mug/cup collection, which will one day rule the world. I got two books that I’ve been looking forward to reading for a while. I got some make up that seriously makes you feel a million times prettier than you actually are (that’s a good thing). I got a sewing machine, so no more hand stitching, no more blisters and no more crooked seams. I got shoes and scarves and a frame and a griddle and a baster and a dress and a whatever clock and a spatula and TONGS! I mean. I also got a Whinny the Pooh time-out stool to put in Laine’s room. I’ll be taking photos of everything soon I'm sure.
Erik says my gift from him will be here in about a week, but I’m happy with the shoes he got me, I mean, SHOES!
So this morning I woke up to our street flooded. Not with adoring fans as it should have been but from rain that decided not to drain like in all the other streets. So I ended up being late to work. I didn’t roll in until after ten o’clock. I might as well have stayed home for all the work I got done today. Instead of updating my job logs or programming I’ve been wasting my time by updating my Wishpot gift ideas list for everyone’s Christmas presents. It’s going to be awesome if I can just remember to buy what’s on those lists in the time frame I set out for myself. We want to get Christmas shopping all done before Thanksgiving if we can. Being broke during the Christmas season isn’t an option for us this year. Erik showed up to my work today and brought me a sandwich and iced tea, he’s such a great guy. But then he groped my chest and I had to break his hand. Or try to at least, he got all whiney and went upstairs and now I have no internet. So this won’t be posted until after he’s done being a little girl about it. But if what I hear is right after today we will no longer have satellite internet. He’s setting us up with a T1 line so hopefully the super important conversations I have about stuff with my person won’t be interrupted anymore with random hour long moments of “are you there, it says you’re there but you’re not responding, is the internet down again, why aren’t you responding, did you go to lunch, its giving me errors”, because those are really getting to be irritating. Mostly because I have no one and nothing to blame it on, so I just get aggravated and then have to swallow it, I hate swallowing anger at inanimate objects that I should be able to bash with a hammer. Stupid company owned equipment.
Tonight is our weekly meeting of the no-boys-allowed-honey-take-the-kid-upstairs-hey-look-there’s-a-new-girl-here club (the name still needs work). It is the night for Fringe and Grey’s and Private Practice and hopefully a Zuppa Toscana Soup that I am going to try very hard to make. Erik was supposed to be in Dallas tonight but with all the rain and flooding he stayed home which means that he gets to take care of the baby for us while we have our night. I’m so tired right now and I feel like this week’s kicking my butt, but in a good way, that really I just want a night to sleep to make up for all the eating and being happy I’ve been doing the last couple of days but that only means that I need coffee stat because nothing gets in the way of me and my The Name Still Needs Work Club meetings.

Happy Me Day

Every year, for as long as I can remember I've gone out to lunch with my dad for my birthday. He’s picked me up from school and all my various jobs and we’ve always had this day as our day for lunch but sometimes it doesn’t work out, it has a lot to do with the fact that we both have jobs and we can’t always take the time off. This year he had a meeting that he wasn’t allowed to miss, but he promises to take me out tomorrow and I will see him tonight for dinner.
However I didn’t know that he had the meeting so I didn’t bring a lunch to work today. I assumed; and what’s that saying about it makes an ass out of me? Ha! Well Jimbo, my boss, took pity on me and took me and some of my co-workers out to lunch, and we got appetizers and desert and I ate myself retarded. I can’t even slouch properly in my seat I am so stuffed. On the way back I was lamenting over the fact that I missed seeing my dad today and while everyone was feeling sorry for me and saying “Aww” a lot guess who was having flowers delivered to my office? Dad did! He sent me flowers! Wonderfully beautiful flowers in a gorgeous vase with three amazing balloons, I LOVE BALLOONS!! And there were carnations and daisies and sunflowers, most of my favorite kinds of flowers, in all my favorite colors with a note that made me cry. I love my dad. And you know, for a Tuesday this is a pretty dang good day.
Also, Jimbo bought a cake for me. It says Happy F?@!ng Birthday Amanda.

There is Only Room for One Quirky Person in This Office and It’s Not You, Mister.

George, our inspector, has the weirdest way about him.
He sings.
All the time.
Mostly about what’s going on, he makes up his own little songs about going outside to check the fab work or bolt holes.
He sings my song, Amanda by Waylon Jennings, to me when he passes by my office.
Every damn time he passes.
And just now, when he checked the coffee and the pot was empty; he got all red faced and said that it isn't fair that he made the coffee and he didn't get any.
Then he comes in my office and with a strait angry little red face tells me “I hope all your babies are born naked for this” and then storms off.
I really don’t know what to say to that.
Even though he is totally and completely the kind of old person I’d like to be one day. He’s not the kind of person I get along with very well. I like the guy enough, but man he can talk, he never shuts up, and I can’t get a word in edgewise. If you know me you’re probably laughing your tail off since I usually do that to you, and that’s the thing! That’s my whole problem with him. I talk; I’m the one who dominates your ears. I’m so used to being the chatty one that when someone else comes in and invades my talking space I get very uncomfortable. And I want to physically make him shut up.
But he’s old. Like 70. I can’t punch a 70 year old man.
Can I?

Lazy

This is what lack of motivation looks like.

And this.

Hey Person,

Even though I do talk to you by instant messagner and text every day and even though you only live two neighborhoods and two minutes away I feel like I never see you, you're so far away from me. Family and responsibility get in the way. So here's me catching you up on my day.
Today was a fairly good day. No bad to begin with and not bad to end with. Work was basic. I progammed and I updated the Shop Job Log, updated my wishlist on wishpot and blogged a bit. At lunch time some suppliers of ours came by to take out the boss man , our detailers and the pretty lady in the shop, while me and some other really cool, often overlooked, super special people were left to fend for ourselves. So we went out. The service sucked so hard at the restaurant/pool hall we went to eat at but the food was very good, enough to mostly make up for the tard serving us. I mean fifty minutes for your food would generaly make you want to walk out but... she brought out these amazing nachos after about a half an hour that was actually Alisa's meal but we all ate it; so we stayed. I took a picture for future blackmail purposes. Drinking on company time... oh wait, that's just a normal Friday, never mind.
I got off work early and was home by 3:30. I stopped by HEB and bought some groceries and got home to put them all away before I went to go and get Laine from daycare. I was quite impressed with myself and the amount of care I was able to put in to my dinner. It was a good dinner by the way. I didn't outdo myself but I sure did meet my exact expectaions. And you have a family to cook for yourself so you'll understand that acheiving exactly what you set out to do is worth a happy dance or two.
After dinner Erik spent a couple of hours fixing an old friends computer while I gave Laine a bath. And for the first time ever we had poop in the bath. She was so cute in that she knew that she did something that made Mommy's face look funny but she laughed and that made me laugh and then we started the bath all over again.
Afterwards Erik was still fixing the computer so I reopened the bottle of wine I had started at dinner and I finsished it sitting on the stairs, waiting for Erik to walk up them to meet me for bed. Eventually I ran out of wine and he didn't come so I decided to talk to you instead.
So overall it was a good day. I'm still waiting for Erik to come upstairs, but I might have to wait for him in bed... asleep.
I love you . Goodnight.

Hateful People

Living in Texas and Louisiana has hardened me against bigotry a bit. Or softened me maybe; here’s my situation. For the most part I’ve always had bigotry and racism around me. People make jokes and snap judgments and I do too sometimes, I’ll admit. It’s difficult to constantly be around a certain kind of people without taking on their traits, including anger and hate. But when a joke is told that is prejudiced in nature most try to not laugh but when stereotypes are used it’s hard, I know. Most people I know will walk away when they can and generally keep themselves away from small minded people who tend to make comments that are offensive.
In certain areas of my life it’s hard for me to walk away. I try to keep to myself a lot when I am around certain xenophobe’s, I play my music just a little loud or I “go internal”, just refusing to hear what is going on around me. When someone is speaking directly to me and they make a joke or remark that offends me I try to be diligent and speak up and against it, but sometimes when I accidentally overhear something that I consider wrong I don’t let myself get angry at them for talking that way when it wasn’t meant for my ears in the first place.
The thing that gets me though, especially about the men and women that I see everyday, is that they know that racism is wrong. They know that their prejudiced language is inappropriate. When they are around others who do not agree with their intolerance and they slip and say something idiotic and get a look for it, they try to backtrack away from that comment, or they’ll try to make it out so that it was you that completely misinterpreted their remark.
I get so angry when people know they are doing something wrong and still they insist on making it a central part of their life. The fact that people will go out of their way to not say certain things to certain people and then turn around and joke about that same thing to some other narrow-minded bigots is so tragic. I mean, why? Why would you say things that if said in front of the person you’re talking about would make you embarrassed, why would you say it at all? People who I find to be jerks will hear from me that they are jerks; I won’t just say it behind their backs. I do talk about people, a lot, it’s something that I consider to be a personal problem, I gossip and I trash talk a lot. But typically the people that I talk about know exactly how I feel about them, I’m not afraid to let people know exactly what I think about them, positive or negative.
I guess what I’m saying is bothering me is the fact that people who know it’s wrong to call someone a bigoted name and still do it, not out of habit or how they were raised but because they truly are a hateful person, that makes me gnash my teeth and it makes them a sad, small piece of trash in my book.

Missing Out

I like my job. The people here are amazing. They are a great support system for me, some have become good friends and most are someone I would miss if they were gone. But even though I like going into the office and enjoy the interaction with my co-workers it’s not enough to make up for the fact that little by little I’ve become miserable not being with my girl.
I spend an hour and a half a workday commuting, half my salary goes to daycare, and I feel like I’m missing all the good parts of Laine’s development. I’m completely exhausted by the end of the day and not giving her 100% for the few hours we are together before bedtime. I feel disconnected and want to be home with her.
Days are tough, being pulled in both directions. I wonder; am I doing my best at my job? Do I have enough energy to give Laine at the end of the day? It hurts my heart to not be all that I want to be, both at home and away from it. Failure is not a factory-installed option in my model. The fact that I am away from home during the day not only hurts me in the time I could be spending with Laine but also in the time I need to spend being a wife. I haven’t been on top of the laundry in months; Erik hasn’t had an ironed shirt in over 6 months Sometimes I won’t do dishes for days, not until I smell it and it reminds me that I need to, and the same goes for the trash.
The biggest challenge has been learning to balance all my different responsibilities. I need to give my all in whatever is asked of me and the fact that I have been giving less lately is upsetting to me. I’m not the best wife and mother I can be. If I were just given more time in the day I could be better. I know that I could do more, and I’m not just talking laundry and cleaning, I mean I could work with Laine on sitting up and rolling over; I could spend time just memorizing her face and letting her memorize mine. I could sit and talk with Erik one on one about his day, I could tell him about mine. I want to just hang out with my daughter; this is a special time that I’m missing. She’s only this age once, she’ll never be at this stage again and I’m not just missing it, I’m completely absent from it. I'm grateful that she has good people around her when I can't be but some of the memories that she’ll have of growing up won’t include me, and it doesn't have to be that way. I could give so much more of myself if I was allowed to do so. I could be everything that she needs and wants but as is stands today, I have only four short hours to give what I am able to the ones I love before bedtime. It’s too little. I need so much more time.

I Look Again and Consecrate

Consecrate means that means I made a solemn commitment of my time to some cherished purpose. Yeah okay really all I did was take some time out of my day to remember and to try my hand at something I used to be good at. I haven’t drawn anything in years, not since high school, that’s a long story that isn’t worth my time to type out but I will say; no, Mrs. Fox, I will not put any gold in it.
So I was sitting at my desk twirling a pencil in my hand and thinking about how I never really use pencils anymore. It was one of those nice real wood pencils that smudge really well and I though “What the hey lets give it a go.” Then I thought “What is the most difficult thing for me to draw? What will get this out of my system in a way that will make me not want to try it again for a long time?” The human body in an awkward position! So I Googled “body positions” and as you would imagine a lot of sexual positions came up. The one I decided on was the raised missionary but I couldn’t find any body types I wanted to try to I basically winged it. And this is what I got out of it. You'll have to click on it to make it bigger, it looks better bigger.

Not too shabby for someone who doesn’t draw if I do say so myself.
Sorry she's naked Mom.
And up yours Mrs. Fox. Up yours.

Suffering From a Severe Lack of Noise

It’s a sad reality for me that I need music in my daily life to function on a normal level. I’ve known this about myself for a while though it’s never been tested; until this morning. I went until 9:30 without any music whatsoever and I was so lost. I was totally and utterly lost. I’m sitting at my desk knowing that I need to work; but what am I supposed to be working on? Is it what’s in front of me? Because that obviously needs to be done, I just don’t have the motivation to do it; there is no beat in the background to type to. But I need to do my job, so I start doing it, but then I space, and when I focus back on my desk I wonder, what am I supposed to be doing? Is it what’s in front of me? Because that obviously needs to be done... Oh my lord, it has been a long morning. And it wasn’t until and hour and a half of my day was wasted wondering why I’m wasting my day that I realized Holy Tuna Fish Sandwiches, it's silent in here! I hate the silence. Hate it.
But here’s the thing, it can’t be just any music, I need music to fit the situation I’m in or job I’m doing, but not necessarily the mood I’m in; if that were the case more often than not I’d be listening to some weird mix of Stabbing Westward and Fraggle Rock.
Like today, once I figured out why I was sitting in the Doldrums I turned on The Fratellis and BAM! Let the enthusiastic dive into my day begin! I was rockin’ that work on my desk; that was in fact what I needed to be working on.
Now I’m thinking about the other aspects of my life in which I must have music.
Driving of course needs good music, unless you want me to put you into the wall I need to have seriously good distracting-from-the-stupid-people music. Typically it’s something I can dance to, however dangerous some people think that is. Girls Aloud, The Sounds and Dance Hall Crashers are perfect for driving.
Cooking needs music, Something kind of mellow and yet something that I can bop to, something that will make me want to sway just enough to be considered dancing but not enough to slosh what’s in the pot: She Wants Revenge, Kings of Leon and Timbaland all work for the kitchen.
Cleaning needs something less rhythmic, no dancing is necessary in cleaning, but it does need to be something that will keep me moving: Bad Company and ACDC are some of my favorites for around the house work.
But I need different music for cooking and cleaning, it makes it difficult when I am trying to cook and clean up the kitchen at the same time because a mix of Justin Timberlake and Lynard Skynard gives me a headache.
When I’m reading a book I enjoy having music in the background. Something interesting enough for me to want to have it on in the first place and yet forgettable enough so that it allows me to pause in my reading to daydream a bit about how I would change or rewrite that last paragraph, without getting sidetracked by lyrics; creative imagination inspiration music if you will: Bond, Vanessa Mae, Yann Tiersen and the like.
And when I’m working I need something with a fast beat. Like I said, The Fratellis will make me really want to get down with my bad ass programming self, also Dragonforce; because speed metal is an amazing aid to speed typing.
Then there’s Family Fun Time. No music has of yet made me feel like it had earned the right to be played along side to the love noises we make. Though Skankin’ Pickle does come dang close.
Laine seems to prefer HIM, The Rasmus and Apocalyptica to anything else I’ve played for her while she’s awake and active. When she is ready to go to sleep then Eisely works best, or me singing to her, which I hope she never grows tired of.
I guess that’s about it. Except for me time. That’s the only time I listen to music that corresponds to how I’m feeling. Right now it happens to be Twisted Sister.