I Need More Cheese

Work has been so busy lately that I haven’t had two seconds to myself in three days. I don’t have the time now but I’m taking it anyway. If I can eat and work I can eat and blog. But what to blog about? Well I’ve lost 5 pounds officially. I gained one then lost it again this weekend but what can I expect with cake and sandwiches in the house. I enjoyed myself with good food so I’m not going to stress the small things. And one pound is a very small thing. Five pounds however is a very large ting and I celebrated by spending money, like I do, on Laine at Old Navy. Mom spent some money on me, like she does, and who could stop her? No me and I didn’t want to, I got a super comfy dress from her that I wore for two days strait.
Erik told me that he’s finally done working at the church on Thursday, then he went back to finish up again on Friday. I’m expecting him to have to “finish it up” a few more times before he’s really done. He’s completely incapable of leaving a job in regular working order. It has to be perfect. And that’s a good thing, it just takes longer and I miss having Erik at home.
Last night Laine and I were waiting for Erik to come home and he came around 8:00 at which point we went upstairs to put Laine down, which is laying in my bed until she falls asleep. Erik saw I had things covered and went downstairs but I made him come back up and sit by the bed within Laine’s eye line. Part of the problem I have with Laine is that she is so clingy with me all the time. If you know me you know I love it, I need her as much as she needs me, more even, and I never get enough hugs from her. But at the end of the day with I’m trying to get dinner made or do housework, I really can’t do it with her on my hip. I mean I can but it’s hard. So it would be nice if she would go to Erik when he is home but she won’t. When we are out of the house, at the park or church or anywhere she is such a daddy’s girl but at home it’s all mommy all the time. So I made him help me put her to bed by just staying in the room with us. I think part of the problem is that Laine doesn’t see Erik as a part of out nighttime routine so he doesn’t belong there to her. I’m trying to change that. I’m changing a lot of stuff lately. I haven’t cooked dinner even once this week yet. I wait to eat until after Laine is asleep and Erik had been eating sandwiches and soup leftover from this weekend. Laine’s meals are so easy, steam some veggies and cut up an apple and she’s set so it’s no work to feed her, then we just play and cuddle until bedtime.
I’ve been getting overly stressed out at nights. I know I’ve got it so much easier than most other people. I have a great kid and an amazingly helpful husband, but around 9:00 every night I’m breaking down into an angry frustrated puddle in the kitchen stressing about the dishes that haven’t been washed since Monday because I don’t have the energy to do it or the laundry that’s been in a pile since March because I can’t get the motivation to not just wash the same three outfits over and over again. It’s not like I’m crying all the time or pulling my hair out over it, I’m just fed up with it. I want to throw all the dishes in the trash and pack up all our clothes and drop them off at the Goodwill. I’m not tired of doing it all I’m just tired of doing it on my own. I want my husband home. I want him home to be there to sit in the kitchen and talk to me as I do the dishes. I want him home to hand me hangers as I’m putting away the laundry, I want him home to comfort Laine when she gets scared of the vacuum, I want him home to laugh with me over Laine trying to help me sweep the floors and dust the lamps. I’m tired of having a long distance relationship with my husband and I’m tired of my daughter being uncomfortable around her dad at night.
I’ve tried saying to myself, single mothers do this stuff every day and they get it done and if I were a single mother I’d get it done too. A huge chunk of my anxiety comes from the fact that I have a husband and he’s just not home with me. And of course he knows this but what can we do? His Job is his job and it’s not going to change anytime soon. I guess I just need to get over it already. I whine too much. That seems to be all this blog is about anymore.
And we are thinking about adding another baby into this mix. Maybe we need to think again.