OMG TGIF SRSLY

It finally happened. I missed a 365 day. I had to take a photo with my phone while she was sleeping. It still technically counts but its poor quality and I just don’t like it. (so today’s photos are going to be mostly reruns) I was in such a hurry to do everything last night that I didn’t even realize that I was missing the battery for my camera until almost 8:00 and by then she was already asleep. I don’t know where my time goes.
So my car broke down on Wednesday. It started on Tuesday because Tuesday is when things always start to go bad, and Wednesday on my drive home the check engine light finally came on, less than two miles from Laine’s daycare and my neighborhood. But I couldn’t push it any further so my mom had to come and pick me and Laine up and take us home. Then of course she stayed to wash my dishes for me. Ha, that’s one good thing about a car breaking down I guess, people feel sorry for you and want to help out. People, you can feel sorry for me any time if it gets my dishes washed.
So yesterday Erik had to drive me around. He and I both took Laine to daycare and he got to see how I drop her off, he looked at me funny and he told me that usually he just leaves her in the car seat and puts her right inside the door, hands the lady the bag and waves goodbye. I was shocked! I take her out of the car seat; I give her millions of kisses and squeeze her until she starts reaching for the teacher just to get away from me so she can breathe. Then I tell them how long she’s been awake, if she’s eaten and when her last diaper change was. And then I stand at the door until she starts playing and gets distracted, then I leave. It broke my heart that he just dumps her off like that, so yeah, he’s not going to have that responsibility again. Ever. Except for today. Then never.
So he had to drive me to and from work as well. I thought it would be so great to ride together but it’s been so long since I’ve seen Erik on a weekday morning that I’d forgotten what a rotten morning person he is. So we rode is silence the whole way to my office. I told him I needed to be picked up no later than 5:15 at the absolute latest. And he came rolling in at 5:20, then I told him that taking 45 is the quickest way home and he takes 518, then I told him we need to get to the day care quick fast and in a hurry, so he takes and extra 15 minutes to talk to the mechanic about my car. I love my husband and I’ve missed him terribly, but man, what a day to have after all that absence. It sucked. I’m looking forward to having a nice weekend with him to make up for it.
I had to make a quick run to the grocery store after getting my car, all we had in the house were things Erik didn’t want for dinner so I went and got some spinach and broccoli and mushrooms and made some chicken and we ate a super yummy meal. I told Erik that it’s better to keep Laine up until at least 8:30 before putting her down but he got her settled on the couch with him with a bottle and her blanket at 7:00, that’s like giving her Nyquil, she was out within minutes. I think we just got very, very lucky that she didn’t wake up at 4:00.
After she went to sleep I rushed myself over to my parents house to do my Wii Active workout and then did a little extra because the workout felt too short and I didn’t’ feel like I accomplished anything, there is the option to make your own workout so I did that and added about 7 minutes to my normal workout, it was just enough. When I got home Erik was already in bed watching TV so I was able to snuggle with him for about an hour before we turned out the light and hit the sack.
The thunder woke me up this morning early so I was up and doing laundry and cleaning up the living room around 5:00. I asked Erik if he’d bring me Laine after I was in the shower for about 5 minutes so that I could give her a bath before I took her to day care, but he told me he’d take care of it later and take her into daycare for me. I was totally okay with taking the extra time to get a few things done, like conditioning my hair and ironing my shirt. Once I was dressed and make-upped I fed the dog and let her out, packed up Laine’s diaper bag and got Erik’s lunch made I headed out the door, strait into a waterfall. The rain was streaming off our house in a solid sheet in front of the front door and splashing up against the door so when I opened the door I got a bucket worth of water strait in the face. Yeah. That happened.
So I closed the door stripped down and put my pajama’s back on, I grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt, stuffed them in a bag along with a dry pair of shoes and tried again. I had to get into Erik’s car to grab my back up makeup bag that I take with me to work. I finally made it to my car completely soaked. My shirt stuck to me, my hair drenched and dripping down my back and my feet frozen, but as it turns out I still ended up getting compliments on my look today, the jeans and shirt and shoes I grabbed were what I had laid out for church on Sunday, my make up was easy to touch up and my hair dried very strait. So this day still has to potential to not suck.

10 Things

So I got tagged today by my sister to list out ten things that make me happy. I've already made a list of 100 things but to narrow it down to just ten may be harder.
1.) My dad and mom’s love.

He is a hard man. He is quiet and he is generous. He listens well to her when she speaks and he really hears her. He has plans that include her; he speaks often of her accomplishments with as much pride as a heart can hold. He kisses her then pops her butt with a dishrag. He lets her pin him down in the grass until his face turns red, he spoils her, he takes care of her, he loves her.
And she is beautiful. She is kind and she is giving. She can see his moods like it's a flashing neon sign telling her where to walk softly. She can find that itch in the center of his back, she knows how he likes his coffee, and she can whisper in his ear and make him blush. She delights in him, she loves him.
I have a great love now with my husband. If I were to write a book about our love it would be a best seller for sure, but if I were to write a book about my mom and dad’s love, if there were even words worthy enough to give life to that love it would be considered the greatest love story ever told.
2.) My husband.

He’s a man I’ve written about a couple of times on this blog, and if you’ve kept up with me you’d know the struggles I’ve been going through not having him around. I have found it easy to stick to my diet plan since I don’t have much of an appetite since I don’t have a dinner partner, I am more diligent with working out and keeping my house clean because I don’t want to sit still and see that he isn’t there. I’ve been able to see Laine’s expressions change with new things that she learns by being more attentive to her and trying to help her not miss daddy so much.
I miss my husband being home. I hurt in my heart that he isn’t by my side when I go to bed at night. I want to cry over the fact that he is missing so much of Laine's first year, he’s missing her learn new things, he’s missing hearing her say dada when she sees his shirt on the ironing board. He’s missing so much that I can’t stand it.
But when he comes home, and the whole house is filled with his voice and his laughter seems to just float through the hallways and it mixes with Laine’s squealing, that is the sound of heaven. When his shoulder is there to be my pillow at night it brings the most wonderful dreams with it. And when he is there to kiss my neck while I’m making his dinner, I swear, sometimes, it’s a wonder my knees don’t melt.
3.) My son.5 and my daughter.

I know there are people who tell you that their child is a gift; that they are blessed to have their little angel and that no one will ever understand how thankful they are for their babies or how precious that little life is to them, but I could say that yes I do understand. My children are a light in my life. They are what a true gift is. I don’t deserve to have good kids. I don’t deserve to have healthy kids. I don’t deserve perfect, smart, beautiful kids, but that’s what I have. I have a boy that through him I got a second boy. These boys are marvelous. They are breathtakingly wonderful little boys, with blue eyes that never quit shining. They are full of light and warmth and Christmas and cupcakes and cartoons on a Sunday morning, they radiate happiness and pure joy. They are what a gift from God looks like. In the flesh a perfect gift.
And my daughter. My cherub, my pink dirt dauber, my funny little clown. She is what has made my heart whole. She has replaced what I felt for so long was lost with laughter and cheeks. She has taken my life and flipped it upside down and back again and is rearranging my priorities so that I am now a grown woman. I have learned through her things I never though I was capable of doing really aren’t that hard. She talks to angels and I see blessings pour out of her onto me every day.
4.) My person. She and I are Thelma and Louise, we are Meredith and Christina. I’m the Butch to her Sundance. She’s the only one who knows me. Darkly. Really knows me. She’s my person. She’s on my side. If I were to kill someone she’d be the one I’d call to drag it across the living room floor. She’s my other half. She knows my mind and the way it works better than anyone, even Erik. She can read me, she knows what I need to hear and isn’t afraid to tell me even when she’s knows it’s not what I want to hear. My person is my best friend; she’s my confidant and my partner in crime. I love her and I’d rather not waste my time on anyone else. She’s the only friend I need.
5.) My home My home was an anniversary gift to me from my husband. It has a room in it where my husband unpacked every book and trinket and arranged it in a beautiful display. To some it might look like random stacks of books on the floor but I know better. There is a room that has drawings in crayon on the walls that was put together with hands spilling love from their fingers. There is a room where magic happens and babies are made. There is a room where my daughter plays. There is a room where my husband works; there is a room where I make my family's meals. I keep my home. I keep it clean and I keep it warm, I keep it free of bugs and full of light. I love my home, I love that my husband calls it home, I love that my family makes it a home.
6.) A spastic dancing moment to Eye of the Tiger.

Sorry no photo here, I'm usually too busy to bust a flash while I'm busting a move.
There are simple things in life that make me happy. A great song with an excellent beat that calls for you to dance and a little girl with large eyes begging you to spastically gyrate around the furniture narrowly missing alphabet blocks and stacking rings to swoop down and spin her around in time with the beat. And when that song is over, you fall down and roll around on the floor with her as you try to catch your breath. I dare anyone to do just that and not come away from that moment with a top ten memory of all time.
7.) Laine's morning eyes

8.) Coffee
I know it’s kind of weak compared to the other stuff, but I really do love coffee and it really does make me happy. A great steaming cup of coffee with a little raspberry flavor will force the corners of my mouth up, I can’t help it. Great coffee makes me smile.
9.) Working up a sweat.
I love feeling like I’ve accomplished something. When I work out I want to sweat, when I run I want to be out of breath when I do lunges I want my knees to tremble. I like the fact that my body will say “thank you, I needed that.”
10.) Sitting passenger
I love sitting in the passenger seat and just watching the world go by, the longer the drive the better. I love sitting in the middle of the food court in the mall and watching people. Sometimes it makes me happy to make fun of them; sometimes it makes me happy to imagine what their lives are like. I love watching. I love being taken places. Put the two together, I love sitting passenger.

My Fat, My Person, My Family

Here's something I found on the web today.
I wanted to figure out what percentage of body weight I've lost since I started Spark. I have lost ten pounds, and that sounds super amazing to me but I didn't want to let myself get comfortable here, knowing that I've already accomplished a great thing. So I did this...
Determine your total pounds lost at each weigh-in by subtracting your current weight from your original weight.
Divide your total pounds lost by your original weight. (For example, my starting weight was 195 and I've lost 10 pounds, I divide 10 by 195.)
Multiply your answer by 100. (In the above example, weight-loss percentage would be five percent.) Once you reach your 10-percent goal, continue to set small, obtainable goals to keep you motivated. Use a weight log to track your progress over time.
... So ten pounds is great but 5% is still lacking in my mind. It helps to keep me determined to reach for higher goals. I hope it helps a few of you to get your GRR! faces on and get to it!
Update: Also on this website there are links to other articles, I found that my ideal weight is 142.6 and that my BMI is 33.4. So... that's neat
So last night I hurried to the store to get a few things then over to my house to change into my workout gear, then over to La Petit give-us-your-kids-and-we’ll-give-you-politicians daycare to get Laine then over to Colleen's to play for bit. I got to hold the baby and Laine got to hang out with the Amazing Bean. Colleen’s looking good, her tummy is shrunk a ton. Mine took/is taking a lot longer to shrink back to normal but she’s already light years ahead of where I was/am. She looks a good twenty pounds lighter, so yeah, it’s whatever. Good for her. If I took a Mr. Magoo out of me I could lose twenty pounds too. Oh wait, no I couldn’t. I gained ten pounds and looked like I gained 30, WHATEVER! Anyway, she does look amazing for only one week out, and her hair is cute, and her boobs are all lactate-y perky, WHATEVER! (I love you much, person)
So we stayed with the skinny lady and her perfectly beautiful wonderfully smart children until it was absolute necessary to leave, and headed over to my mom’s house to do my workout. I’m starting to feel bad about always taking my dad’s TV from him whenever he wants to watch it. I’d quit but he’d probably give me the rolly eyes big sigh look if I did, so until he complains I’m still going to go over there and barge in on all his nights. I think he secretly enjoys having me around, especially now that he doesn’t have to get aggravated that I came home smelling like smoke and my homework wasn’t done. Man those days sucked.
Erik told me he’d be home by 6:00 last night, but he didn’t get to leave the office until after 8:00 but that still put him home before 9:00 and that meant that WE GOT TO EAT DINNER TOGETHER! Erik was able to see Laine and play with her, she was so happy to see him, she didn’t want him to put her down at all and she stayed with him until bedtime. She’s such a daddy’s girl. I always thought I wanted all my kids to be Momma’s kids but I’m totally okay with her wanting Erik more, I’m hoping she grows up loving her daddy as much as I love mine.
I have some amazing photo’s coming soon, as soon as my person email’s them to me, I’m not sure when that’ll be, but no worries, you’ll see them when you see them.

She Talks to Angels

Well Erik didn’t get home before ten again last night. I tried staying up but fell asleep with the TV still on. He was quiet and didn’t wake me so I didn’t even get to snuggle with him. My alarm either didn’t go off this morning or I just didn’t hear it so I woke up almost two hours later than usual to his alarm blaring. So I rushed to get the dog fed and laundry swapped to the dryer and the dry stuff folded and I put away the dishes refilled the dishwasher, got a steaming pair of jeans from the dryer, burning my stomach with the back of the button then ran upstairs to find a bra and to grab Laine and get her dressed and ready to go. I felt a bit frazzled. Everything I wanted to do this morning required me to get some thing or do something else first that was across the house. So back and forth and up and down for a solid thirty minutes and I feel like I’ve already gotten my workout in for the day. I set Laine down in the kitchen and ran to dunk my head under the sink for a quick rinse with dish soap since I had no time for a full shower but my hair was shiny and dirty looking so I had to at least wash that. I tied my scarf around my head to soak up the water while I wiped down the counter and swept the floor. I picked Laine up and brought her into the living room to play while I got her bag ready to go, so I set her down with some toys and her blanket, I ran to the kitchen for a second to grab her diaper bag, and when I popped back into the living room she was in the same place I’d set her, just standing in the middle of the living room, staring in the direction of the bar, a little weird considering that since she started walking we can’t stop her from getting into everything as soon as she’s out of our arms. So I ran upstairs and grabbed my shoes and ran back, maybe 20 seconds out of my sight, but usually enough time for her to have gotten into a cabinet or under the table or something, but she was still standing and staring, smiling a little. So I just stood there for a while and watched her. I stared at her just staring into empty space and smile at it. After a few seconds she popped her thumb in her mouth and cocked her head to the side like she was listening and started swaying a little. A few more seconds and she closed her eyes. I wanted to cry watching her stand the re and listed to what had to be a beautiful sound that only she could hear. I’m so jealous of her and the conversations she has with angels.

Weekend Update

I’ve formed a new habit. I don’t go home at night until it is absolutely necessary. I go to my mom’s or one of their friends or to my in-laws; I just don’t want to be home anymore when Erik is working late. I hate that I have to miss him like I do. It’s ridiculous for me to be lonely and feel like I’m living separate from my husband when we still sleep in the same bed at night. I am lucky to see him before 10:00pm on a weekday, but I am usually in bed asleep before then and I get up and leave for work hours before he does. It’s so sad that he can go two, three and even four days without seeing his daughter. Every time I’m home now all I can think of is that he isn’t there with me. I can’t complain about it either because I know he doesn’t want to be working late either and it has to be hard on him being away from us. Even when he is home, he’s away from us, Saturday he had to work for the entire morning, we just barely got him for the afternoon. He’s been telling me a lot lately that he appreciates me taking care of Laine while he’s gone, that he appreciates how I keep his laundry done and I make sure he’s got food waiting on him at the end of the day, and you know, I’m not sure I told him that I appreciate him working so hard for us. I’ll have to stay up and tell him tonight. Yesterday he took me to see Avatar in IMAX 3D, it was pretty neat. I didn’t need the 3D part, there is too much going on in the movie as is to really need things popping gout at you. But we had a lot of fun, just the two of us. We haven’t had time together that hasn’t been interrupted by work calling Erik or April barking and clawing at the door or Laine crying for attention in a long time. We rent movies now and again but it isn’t the same as getting out of the house together.We went to see Colleen and the new baby this weekend too but not for as long as we’d liked, it was such a long day on Friday that both of us just wanted to snuggle and take a deep breath together, but there are some things that are more important than sleep and that’s a new baby, we are both wanting to go back and get some more baby love really soon. We also really enjoy watching Laine interact with Josie. They get along pretty well for two dominant personalities, it’s nice to see that telepathic DNA coding that Colleen and I did on them in utero is working out. All McFee’s will be best friends with all Rosendahl's from now until forever, amen.I got to hang out with my other baby a couple of time last week, and for the last two Sundays as well, I’m slowly but surely getting more and more great photos of Jacob and Josh. Are all boys this hard to photograph? It’s ridiculous!
Well, that’s it for now, except to say that I’ve reached my ten pound mark in weight loss, I still have forty more pounds to go, but with the first bit done it makes me feel like the rest isn’t too large of a challenge.

This conversation just happened.

Amanda (with chopsticks loaded with a 30 second effort’s worth of the best Tofu Pad Thai ever half way to her mouth): Mmm nom nom om. Yummy in my tummy lalala
Asshat: Hey, is that food you’re eating, like are you on your lunch break? I could come back...
Amanda:(with flying daggers of stink eye) No it’s fine, come on over. No, I graze all day, like the cow that I am, come on over and take up the only spare twelve minutes of my entire day
Asshat: Um, I got a program here and it’s wrong. You can look and fix it, yeah?
Amanda: Yeah, let’s see, beam 58B2… what’s wrong with it?
Asshat: Oh, um… it’s wrong?
Amanda: No it isn’t.
Asshat: Yeah, it’s like, the wrong beam size.
Amanda: No. It isn’t.
Asshat: Yeah in the program it’s wrong.
Amanda: (pointing at the program, then down to the drawings) No. It. Isn’t.
Asshat: Oh. Okay, sorry. Thanks.
And… scene.

Weekend Update

I’m getting worse and worse about updating this blog; it seemed that for a while I was on a roll with my weekend updates and wordless Wednesday’s but now I’m just struggling to remember to add photo’s to the 365 post. A lot of my absentee-ism is due to the work load I have at the office now. I have more than my share of programming to do on top of printing drawings and ordering bolts. It’s not an all-of-a-sudden thing, I’ve known it was coming; I’m just not very good at making free time anymore. Once I’m home it’s feeding and bathing time then it’s off to bed, for baby and me and now my lunches are becoming an incredibly involved thing since I’m eating healthier and salads take a while to prepare. I just haven’t had the time to write anything out. I’m starting this thing on Monday and I won’t be surprised if it doesn’t get uploaded until Wednesday. Anyhow most of my weekend can be summed up by the pictures I took. We stayed in on Friday, hanging out at mom’s, playing the wii and just taking it easy.

After we left mom heard from the nursing home that my grandfather had fallen trying to maneuver from his wheelchair to his recliner and broke his hip so she had to stay behind while dad drove Erik me and Laine with Levi and Sydney out to Beaumont for my Cousin Nikki’s graduation lunch on Saturday. We missed having her with us but our thoughts were with her and Poppy. He’s going in for Surgery tomorrow, it’s scary and risky and we are all worried and nervous about it but I believe all will be well. Everything will be fine.

Sunday we had a lazy day at home with a tiny bit of visiting mom and dad in the evening. We watched the premier episode of 24 together while trying desperately to get an overly tired Laine to sleep. If only Jack Bauer could sing a lullaby or two during an episode, Sheesh, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

After work on Monday, Laine and I did a lot of running around, to the store and home for eating and bath time then Colleen’s house for out last pregnant hug and visit then to mom’s house to pick up a scale she was giving me then home to play for a bit and wait for dad to come home then bedtime finally around 10:30.

It was an easy weekend, I’m glad I got to see my grandma, I miss her more and more every time I see her. I’m grateful that my grandfather’s fall wasn’t’ worse than it was, considering he hit his head as well there are so many ways he could have hurt himself worse. I’m proud of myself for losing a total or 9 pounds in two weeks. I’m a happy girl.

I just found out that my best friend, my person, had her baby today. I’m a Godmother again! I’m so proud of my girl, she’s made yet another perfect baby, and I can’t wait to hold that baby! Happy Birthday Nicolette!!!

Go Go Speed Racer

Laine is getting her feet situated and is starting to run. Once she starts running she teeters and falls but soon she'll learn to pick up both feet and use equal amounts of power in both legs. My girl is getting big, fast.

Amanda's Special

I made dinner last night, and Erik liked it! Can you comprehend the awesomeness of that?! I can't believe that finally I made something that he loved. (Of course he had an opinion on what I could do to make it better next time, but that's not the issue now.) I had leftover veggies and beef that either needed to be cooked or tossed out, so I sat and made a recipe out of all the things I could remember having in my pantry and duh duh da dun! It was a smash hit! Yay! Next time I’ll try it with broccoli and carrots, this time I forgot my broccoli at work (cuz it was my snack for the day) so there was just mushrooms and zucchini in it but man, it’s was yumdiddleyumpshusss.

Weekend Update

So this is a little late but here we go. Friday I got off work around noon because of the freezing cold and I headed strait to f-wood for lunch with mom and dad and Levi. It’s so nice to have it be just the four of us every now and then. We may be 11 now but we started small originally. It’s nice to remember that, however about halfway through and we started missing Erik and Sydney. Since they are half of two of us only three people were technically at lunch so yeah, it felt like pieces were missing. After lunch I headed home to get a little housework done and then I headed back to mom’s house were we had a great 5 hour conversation. Then we too down the Christmas tree and when to go and get Laine from daycare. Back at mom and dad’s we hung out, vegged and just enjoyed the company we gave each other. Saturday started slow, Erik played with Laine on the floor teaching her how to stack blocks then we headed over to Mom’s again to play wii and get some more hang time in with each other. The White's came by too so Erik and Amy got to spend some quality video game time together. I tried to take a nap with Laine at one point but that didn’t work out too well. Laine wanted to play wii too when she saw Erik and Amy but settled for playing keep away with the dogs and a sock. It’s her new favorite thing it looks like.
After mom and dad’s house we went to Erik’s parents for dinner and pie. They got to see Laine walk for the first time and she ended up staying up late and playing a reverse peek-a-boo with Jenn for a while. Home and in bed by 10:00 and up again for church by 8:00. Laine slept the whole time too so we were nice and rested and even got to church a little early. We went to lunch with mom and dad and the White’s to Mediterranean Chef, Erik refused to try anything but the hummus, the weenie. Good food and good company, that’s our whole weekend, and that’s the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it.

New Challenge

I haven’t told you guys yet (except for the two of you on Spark) but I’ve started a “diet”. It’s nothing specific I’m doing but it’s a diet anyway. I keep track of every calorie and fat gram and my protein and calcium and iron. Oh and my sodium, but I may delete that option because seriously, you’d think I was the Dead Sea with the amount of salt in me. So I’ve been doing it for a week now and I’ve been keeping up with my cardio and strength training doing the wii at my mom’s house and doing basic calisthenics at home. I haven’t started walking like I’d like to yet but that’s only because I can’t get out in this cold without dying and slow and horrible freezing death. But I have been doing extra toe lift things while I’m standing at the stove cooking dinner and I do some lunges when I’m putting away laundry (it helps to set the laundry basket just out of reach) and sometimes in the shower, don’t tell Erik, but sometimes I do pushups against the wall of the shower, it’s weird to do it anywhere else to me.
So today is the start of a new week and as a personal milestone I will set a new goal for myself. Here’s what I’m thinking of doing. Since I have been having too many "cheats" lately (I KNOW! I just started!) I have found myself eating a few bites less of my veggies just so I can save to extra 63 calories for my cookie at the end of the day. And I am NOT giving up my cookie. So what I need to do is learn to incorporate my cheat into my plan, no longer have cheats, just a meal plan. So I won't be looking forward to the sugar and cutting out things I need. I don't know how I’m going to do this but that's why it’s a challenge :) Today my breakfast is celery and ranch with my coffee. The first time I tried celery for breakfast I wanted to run screaming for the nearest Whataburger and buy the greasiest taquito I could but it has ended up being my miracle food. I snack slowly on it since celery is in my bottom 3 of vegetables. But as I snack slowly it keeps my hands busy and my mouth full and I don’t start craving the slice of Pumpkin bread Alisa has on the kitchen counter or the tamales some dude’s wife made for us. I can wait until lunch for that. So today I’ve got my celery handy and my fat free ranch dip on the side and my big bottle of water that I keep forgetting to drink from and my ever present cup of coffee. Today starts my new week. Here’s to finding a way to fit cheats in so that they aren’t cheats anymore. BTW, I’ve lost 8 pounds already.

A New Ten Commandments

As a working parent, my days are pretty jam-packed and nerve-racking. I don't get home until after 6:00 and I still need to run errands, keep the home running smoothly, and maintain a fun and exciting marriage. Sometimes at the end of a demanding day, I just want to put my feet up and spend some quality time with my family. But like most busy parents, leisure time is nothing more than a pipe-dream. At night, there’s noise, tantrums, and disorganization, which seem to last until everyone falls asleep. So I'd like to at least make the effort of making mealtimes enjoyable. I'm looking forward to Laine eating table food with Erik and me at dinner. I need to go out and purchase a food processor to make the bites itty bitty for her, and I'm really looking forward to learning to cook for a baby and learn what she likes and what she doesn't. I'm going to try to follow these rules to introduce foods to her and keep it fun for all involved.
1. Thou shalt not force, bribe or coerce thy child to eat.
2. Thou shalt set a good example by eating at least five fruits and vegetables, three whole grain products, and three dairy servings per day thyself.
3. Thou shalt make mealtimes pleasant.
4. Thou shalt encourage thy child to help in meal planning, preparation, and cleanup.
5. Thou shalt back off when mealtime becomes a power struggle.
6. Thou shalt accept food "binges" as phases that will eventually pass.
7. Thou shalt accept the fact that thy child is an individual and thus will dislike certain foods (and there may be many!).
8. Thou shalt not give up on introducing thy child to new foods. Thou shalt realize it sometimes takes ten tries to get a child to accept a food.
9. Thou shalt use this division of responsibility for eating: As the parent, thou art responsible for deciding when and what to serve. Thy child is responsible for deciding how much (if any) will be eaten.
10. Thou shalt give thy child a multivitamin-mineral supplement if he is a picky eater.

A Response

As you read this I hope you are using my calm rational voice and not my crazy hyperventilating angry voice. Because I'm not angry, I'm just over it.

"Sad, angry, ashamed, lost, alone, unloved, uncared for, unappreciated, abandoned, rejected"

That covers a lot of ground. The thing with me though is I'm sure there are lies that I believe but I know that there are lies that others are thinking about me. One lie I feel that I've believed for too long is that it was somehow my fault, that I invited, or encouraged it or in some way made it seem acceptable for what happened to me. THAT is my lie. And I know it's a lie. But what I feel that others believe to be true is that it is over just because my violator has been forgiven. What happened still happened, it was traumatizing and a complete desecration of all that I knew to be true at that time, but just because I forgive a person for the act they committed does not mean I can relive my life without the knowledge that people are capable of evil. I can't unlearn that lesson and it has nothing to do with lies or truth really, it's just there. Yes, it hurts and it won't ever stop hurting. There are times in life where little bits are taken from you; I feel that in several instances in my life pieces were taken from me. This time a huge chunk was cut out, with Jacob another piece went missing, and there is healing to be done for sure, but I do not want to reclaim those pieces of me, they are dirty and they are broken and they would no longer fit into the spaces they left. I’ve filled my life with other things, beauty and life and babies and love and I’ve not covered up my holes I’ve filled them with faith and the belief that not all men are evil. I’ve plodded my way through my trials and I’ve looked at that valley of the shadow of death and I felt no fear of evil. I feel no fear. Were I to look my violator in the eye I could stand and say “You hurt me once, and I’ll not let you do that again” but I don’t want to. It’s not required of me. So I won’t. And when moments like last night happen, when flood gates open and tears rush forth and hearts are torn to pieces again, it’s not because I do believe a lie. It’s because I know the truth. I know what happened to me, I have a stone in my chest that weighs heavy on my heart because I KNOW what happened to me.

I see things that remind me of that time and I feel the pain in my chest again, a reminder that something horrible and EVIL happened to me; an absolute abuse of my trust and love. When there are moments of recollection I feel taken advantage of again. I feel used again. I feel that no one understands or cares to understand my hurt because they are all too busy forgiving him for me, when it’s not their place to do so. I find it insulting to hear that he’s been forgiven by others. I am the only one that needs to do any forgiving and I’ve done that. He is nothing to me now. And I am able to believe that because I hold no hate for him any more. That’s not to say though that I forget what happened to me. He is still not allowed anywhere near my children. He is not allowed anywhere near me. He is not allowed to exist in my world because he has done evil to me. He has done what should NEVER be done by one human to another. And because of that he is nothing. He is forgiven and he can go his own way. But he MUST go away. There is nothing in the Bible that says I need to allow my rapist to become an active part of my family again and live my life like no harm was done. I am not required by God to spend time with him, getting to know him as a changed man, as a repenting, sorrowful man who regrets the things he's done. I am not required to listen to him beg for my forgiveness. I've given it already because I am told by my faith that I must forgive and forget. Well I do forgive him for raping me and now I would like for forget he ever existed.

Levi

I read a blog today that got me thinking about my brother. When we were smaller I used to hold my brother's hand when we walked down the street. I used to hide under the covers with him and talk about our day and laugh about silly things that only we found important. I used to watch him as he stalked squirrels and birds with his bow and arrows or gun, and I’d make stories in my head about how he was the kid from My Side of the Mountain or White Fang. I used to talk to him about girls and I’d talk to him about music, and I remember thinking that out of all the guys in our school I was glad that he was my little brother. I remember all of that. But I also remember the horrible things I did and said to him. The absolute nastiness. The spitefulness and bullying and downright heartlessness I showed to him. I wish I could take back all the times I directed my hate towards him, tried to keep him down so that I was always on top, always the favorite, always the one noticed first.
Now I look at him and I see such a good man and I wonder how he got there. It must have been while I wasn’t looking and it’s not that hard to imagine because I turned my back on him for so long. I see him in fits and spurts of time now, random weekends and holidays and birthdays and now, finally, I SEE him. He’s smart, so smart and witty and he’s confident and he’s got talent and imagination. He’s overflowing with compassion and gentleness. He’s a joy to be around; he’s full of such love and delightful sunshine that I crave his company. And I kick myself for all the years of anger and resentment that I made him feel. I have a memory; I keep it so far away from the front of my mind because it hurts my heart to see it played back for me. I don’t know what I said or did to hurt him this time but I can hear his cries echoing in the halls and in my mind still, and I can hear my mother telling me “Amanda, he loves you so much.” And I just say “So.” And I walk away. What a heartless, unfeeling monster I must have seemed to him. It’s so unbelievably small for me to tell him I love him now. I need bigger words than that. I need something larger than love to show him, I need something more that my heart to give him. And until the day that there is that to give him I'll say, my baby brother, I do love you so much.