When we were smaller I used to hold my brother's hand when we walked down the street. I used to hide under the covers with him and talk about our day and laugh about silly things that only we found important. I used to watch him as he stalked squirrels and birds with his bow and arrows or gun, and I’d make stories in my head about how he was the kid from My Side of the Mountain or White Fang. I used to talk to him about girls and I’d talk to him about music, and I remember thinking that out of all the guys in our school I was glad that he was my little brother. I remember all of that. But I also remember the horrible things I did and said to him. 
The absolute nastiness. The spitefulness and bullying and downright heartlessness I showed to him. I wish I could take back all the times I directed my hate towards him, tried to keep him down so that I was always on top, always the favorite, always the one noticed first.Now I look at him and I see such a good man and I wonder how he got there. It must have been while I wasn’t looking and it’s not that hard to imagine because I turned my back on him for so long. I see him in fits and spurts of time now, random weekends and holidays and birthdays and now, finally, I SEE him. He’s smart, so smart and witty and he’s confident and he’s got talent and imagination. He’s overflowing with compassion and gentleness. He’s a joy to be around; he’s full of such love and delightful sunshine that I crave his company. And I kick myself for all the years of anger and resentment that I made him feel.
I have a memory; I keep it so far away from the front of my mind because it hurts
my heart to see it played back for me. I don’t know what I said or did to hurt him this time but I can hear his cries echoing in the halls and in my mind still, and I can hear my mother telling me “Amanda, he loves you so much.” And I just say “So.” And I walk away. What a heartless, unfeeling monster I must have seemed to him. It’s so unbelievably small for me to tell him I love him now. I need bigger words than that. I need something larger than love to show him, I need something more that my heart to give him. And until the day that there is that to give him I'll say, my baby brother, I do love you so much.
4 comments:
Well, I am crying now; thank you very much. I must have needed that. I remember I used to tell you when you were little, that he was the only sibling you would ever have and you need to stay close. Do you remember that? I also remember I used to tell you that you may not get along very well now, but when you are grown you will long to be close again, and little, and one day, he will be one of your very best friends until the day you die. Oh, how I wish we could learn from others and not have to have the heartache of experience. I know that you and Levi will always be close, no matter what. You are each others only sibling. There is something to be said for that. Cherish each and every minute out of each and every day you get together. Time truly begins to fly faster the older you get and you realize that the only thing in life that matters, is not things, but people; particularly, your people. I love you honey, for the mature, wise woman you are becoming. So beautiful, inside and out. I wish I could take my "mommy spit" and wash away all your and Levi's pains from life. I will do my best to do that with my prayers and love instead. Big kisses and hugs, Mom
Babe I know the ways you show love and would never think you were heartless. I liked getting you rawled up. Those times were good, but the good ones are far from over. Kiss Laine for me, love you "all".
Wow Amanda, now I am thinking of my own 4 little brothers. You are such a great sister and you and your brother get along now and love each other so much. It's hard when you are a little kid b/c you don't know how to really deal with emotions. They can be so overwhelming, but now you are both adults and you can easily tell each other and show each other how you really feel. That is what's important!
That totally made my pregnant hormones cause TEARS... Thanks lol.
Post a Comment