A Response

As you read this I hope you are using my calm rational voice and not my crazy hyperventilating angry voice. Because I'm not angry, I'm just over it.

"Sad, angry, ashamed, lost, alone, unloved, uncared for, unappreciated, abandoned, rejected"

That covers a lot of ground. The thing with me though is I'm sure there are lies that I believe but I know that there are lies that others are thinking about me. One lie I feel that I've believed for too long is that it was somehow my fault, that I invited, or encouraged it or in some way made it seem acceptable for what happened to me. THAT is my lie. And I know it's a lie. But what I feel that others believe to be true is that it is over just because my violator has been forgiven. What happened still happened, it was traumatizing and a complete desecration of all that I knew to be true at that time, but just because I forgive a person for the act they committed does not mean I can relive my life without the knowledge that people are capable of evil. I can't unlearn that lesson and it has nothing to do with lies or truth really, it's just there. Yes, it hurts and it won't ever stop hurting. There are times in life where little bits are taken from you; I feel that in several instances in my life pieces were taken from me. This time a huge chunk was cut out, with Jacob another piece went missing, and there is healing to be done for sure, but I do not want to reclaim those pieces of me, they are dirty and they are broken and they would no longer fit into the spaces they left. I’ve filled my life with other things, beauty and life and babies and love and I’ve not covered up my holes I’ve filled them with faith and the belief that not all men are evil. I’ve plodded my way through my trials and I’ve looked at that valley of the shadow of death and I felt no fear of evil. I feel no fear. Were I to look my violator in the eye I could stand and say “You hurt me once, and I’ll not let you do that again” but I don’t want to. It’s not required of me. So I won’t. And when moments like last night happen, when flood gates open and tears rush forth and hearts are torn to pieces again, it’s not because I do believe a lie. It’s because I know the truth. I know what happened to me, I have a stone in my chest that weighs heavy on my heart because I KNOW what happened to me.

I see things that remind me of that time and I feel the pain in my chest again, a reminder that something horrible and EVIL happened to me; an absolute abuse of my trust and love. When there are moments of recollection I feel taken advantage of again. I feel used again. I feel that no one understands or cares to understand my hurt because they are all too busy forgiving him for me, when it’s not their place to do so. I find it insulting to hear that he’s been forgiven by others. I am the only one that needs to do any forgiving and I’ve done that. He is nothing to me now. And I am able to believe that because I hold no hate for him any more. That’s not to say though that I forget what happened to me. He is still not allowed anywhere near my children. He is not allowed anywhere near me. He is not allowed to exist in my world because he has done evil to me. He has done what should NEVER be done by one human to another. And because of that he is nothing. He is forgiven and he can go his own way. But he MUST go away. There is nothing in the Bible that says I need to allow my rapist to become an active part of my family again and live my life like no harm was done. I am not required by God to spend time with him, getting to know him as a changed man, as a repenting, sorrowful man who regrets the things he's done. I am not required to listen to him beg for my forgiveness. I've given it already because I am told by my faith that I must forgive and forget. Well I do forgive him for raping me and now I would like for forget he ever existed.