I like my job. The people here are amazing. They are a great support system for me, some have become good friends and most are someone I would miss if they were gone. 
But even though I like going into the office and enjoy the interaction with my co-workers it’s not enough to make up for the fact that little by little I’ve become miserable not being with my girl.
I spend an hour and a half a workday commuting, half my salary goes to daycare, and I feel like I’m missing all the good parts of Laine’s development. I’m completely exhausted by the end of the day and not giving her 100% for the few hours we are together before bedtime. I feel disconnected and want to be home with her.
Days are tough, being pulled in both directions. I wonder; am I doing my best at my job? Do I have enough energy to give Laine at the end of the day? It hurts my heart to not be all that I want to be, both at home and away from it. Failure is not a factory-installed option i
n my model. The fact that I am away from home during the day not only hurts me in the time I could be spending with Laine but also in the time I need to spend being a wife. I haven’t been on top of the laundry in months; Erik hasn’t had an ironed shirt in over 6 months Sometimes I won’t do dishes for days, not until I smell it and it reminds me that I need to, and the same goes for the trash.
The biggest challenge has been learning to balance all my different responsibilities. I need to give my all in whatever is asked of me and the fact that I have been giving less lately is upsetting to me. I’m not the best wife and mother I can be. If I were just given more time in the day I could be better. I know that I could do more,
and I’m not just talking laundry and cleaning, I mean I could work with Laine on sitting up and rolling over; I could spend time just memorizing her face and letting her memorize mine. I could sit and talk with Erik one on one about his day, I could tell him about mine. I want to just hang out with my daughter; this is a special time that I’m missing. She’s only this age once, she’ll never be at this stage again and I’m not just missing it, I’m completely absent from it. I'm grateful that she has good people around her when I can't be but some of the memories that she’ll have of growing up won’t include me, and it doesn't have to be that way. I could give so much more of myself if I was allowed to do so. I could be everything that she needs and wants but as is stands today, I have only four short hours to give what I am able to the ones I love before bedtime. It’s too little. I need so much more time.
But even though I like going into the office and enjoy the interaction with my co-workers it’s not enough to make up for the fact that little by little I’ve become miserable not being with my girl.I spend an hour and a half a workday commuting, half my salary goes to daycare, and I feel like I’m missing all the good parts of Laine’s development. I’m completely exhausted by the end of the day and not giving her 100% for the few hours we are together before bedtime. I feel disconnected and want to be home with her.
Days are tough, being pulled in both directions. I wonder; am I doing my best at my job? Do I have enough energy to give Laine at the end of the day? It hurts my heart to not be all that I want to be, both at home and away from it. Failure is not a factory-installed option i
n my model. The fact that I am away from home during the day not only hurts me in the time I could be spending with Laine but also in the time I need to spend being a wife. I haven’t been on top of the laundry in months; Erik hasn’t had an ironed shirt in over 6 months Sometimes I won’t do dishes for days, not until I smell it and it reminds me that I need to, and the same goes for the trash.The biggest challenge has been learning to balance all my different responsibilities. I need to give my all in whatever is asked of me and the fact that I have been giving less lately is upsetting to me. I’m not the best wife and mother I can be. If I were just given more time in the day I could be better. I know that I could do more,
and I’m not just talking laundry and cleaning, I mean I could work with Laine on sitting up and rolling over; I could spend time just memorizing her face and letting her memorize mine. I could sit and talk with Erik one on one about his day, I could tell him about mine. I want to just hang out with my daughter; this is a special time that I’m missing. She’s only this age once, she’ll never be at this stage again and I’m not just missing it, I’m completely absent from it. I'm grateful that she has good people around her when I can't be but some of the memories that she’ll have of growing up won’t include me, and it doesn't have to be that way. I could give so much more of myself if I was allowed to do so. I could be everything that she needs and wants but as is stands today, I have only four short hours to give what I am able to the ones I love before bedtime. It’s too little. I need so much more time.
3 comments:
Ugh this post makes my heart hurt for you. Either way you sit on the fence, you will always wonder if you are doing your best. At some point you and Erik as a family will have to keep going over your options and rethinking your options. The one thing in your favor is that you are actually able to do some of your job from home, maybe that is what you shold consider talking about with Jim as your boss, or Erik as your partner. Everyone loves you, and wants you to be the best you, you can be. Don't forget to be open about what you want, as soon as you realize what is the most important to you... maybe a compromise can happen where you least expected it to :) Good luck, and I love you!
Colleen is right, there may be a few options for you to work a day or two from home.
That said, it sucks. I don't envy you one bit and am dreading knowing that I'll have to do the exact same thing. Seriously though - focus on what's important. Who cares if the laundry is done or if Erik has an ironed shirt. There are more important things in life. Oh, and with the shirts - see about getting a steamer - much quicker than ironing (and, I'm sure that Erik could do that one himself).
You are doing a GREAT job with the time you are giving. Just remember that. When you ARE with Laine, she knows you and loves you. That is the most important thing. I will pray for FAVOR with Jim-bo; whenever and IF ever you feel led to ask him if you can work from home or go home a few hours early a week. Whatever. And when you are having an especially hard day and don't want her to be in daycare, text me and I will go get her if I possibly can. I know it is not your best for her in your mind, but we can do this. I love you.
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