Weekend Update

So this is a little late but here we go. Friday I got off work around noon because of the freezing cold and I headed strait to f-wood for lunch with mom and dad and Levi. It’s so nice to have it be just the four of us every now and then. We may be 11 now but we started small originally. It’s nice to remember that, however about halfway through and we started missing Erik and Sydney. Since they are half of two of us only three people were technically at lunch so yeah, it felt like pieces were missing. After lunch I headed home to get a little housework done and then I headed back to mom’s house were we had a great 5 hour conversation. Then we too down the Christmas tree and when to go and get Laine from daycare. Back at mom and dad’s we hung out, vegged and just enjoyed the company we gave each other. Saturday started slow, Erik played with Laine on the floor teaching her how to stack blocks then we headed over to Mom’s again to play wii and get some more hang time in with each other. The White's came by too so Erik and Amy got to spend some quality video game time together. I tried to take a nap with Laine at one point but that didn’t work out too well. Laine wanted to play wii too when she saw Erik and Amy but settled for playing keep away with the dogs and a sock. It’s her new favorite thing it looks like.
After mom and dad’s house we went to Erik’s parents for dinner and pie. They got to see Laine walk for the first time and she ended up staying up late and playing a reverse peek-a-boo with Jenn for a while. Home and in bed by 10:00 and up again for church by 8:00. Laine slept the whole time too so we were nice and rested and even got to church a little early. We went to lunch with mom and dad and the White’s to Mediterranean Chef, Erik refused to try anything but the hummus, the weenie. Good food and good company, that’s our whole weekend, and that’s the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it.

New Challenge

I haven’t told you guys yet (except for the two of you on Spark) but I’ve started a “diet”. It’s nothing specific I’m doing but it’s a diet anyway. I keep track of every calorie and fat gram and my protein and calcium and iron. Oh and my sodium, but I may delete that option because seriously, you’d think I was the Dead Sea with the amount of salt in me. So I’ve been doing it for a week now and I’ve been keeping up with my cardio and strength training doing the wii at my mom’s house and doing basic calisthenics at home. I haven’t started walking like I’d like to yet but that’s only because I can’t get out in this cold without dying and slow and horrible freezing death. But I have been doing extra toe lift things while I’m standing at the stove cooking dinner and I do some lunges when I’m putting away laundry (it helps to set the laundry basket just out of reach) and sometimes in the shower, don’t tell Erik, but sometimes I do pushups against the wall of the shower, it’s weird to do it anywhere else to me.
So today is the start of a new week and as a personal milestone I will set a new goal for myself. Here’s what I’m thinking of doing. Since I have been having too many "cheats" lately (I KNOW! I just started!) I have found myself eating a few bites less of my veggies just so I can save to extra 63 calories for my cookie at the end of the day. And I am NOT giving up my cookie. So what I need to do is learn to incorporate my cheat into my plan, no longer have cheats, just a meal plan. So I won't be looking forward to the sugar and cutting out things I need. I don't know how I’m going to do this but that's why it’s a challenge :) Today my breakfast is celery and ranch with my coffee. The first time I tried celery for breakfast I wanted to run screaming for the nearest Whataburger and buy the greasiest taquito I could but it has ended up being my miracle food. I snack slowly on it since celery is in my bottom 3 of vegetables. But as I snack slowly it keeps my hands busy and my mouth full and I don’t start craving the slice of Pumpkin bread Alisa has on the kitchen counter or the tamales some dude’s wife made for us. I can wait until lunch for that. So today I’ve got my celery handy and my fat free ranch dip on the side and my big bottle of water that I keep forgetting to drink from and my ever present cup of coffee. Today starts my new week. Here’s to finding a way to fit cheats in so that they aren’t cheats anymore. BTW, I’ve lost 8 pounds already.

A New Ten Commandments

As a working parent, my days are pretty jam-packed and nerve-racking. I don't get home until after 6:00 and I still need to run errands, keep the home running smoothly, and maintain a fun and exciting marriage. Sometimes at the end of a demanding day, I just want to put my feet up and spend some quality time with my family. But like most busy parents, leisure time is nothing more than a pipe-dream. At night, there’s noise, tantrums, and disorganization, which seem to last until everyone falls asleep. So I'd like to at least make the effort of making mealtimes enjoyable. I'm looking forward to Laine eating table food with Erik and me at dinner. I need to go out and purchase a food processor to make the bites itty bitty for her, and I'm really looking forward to learning to cook for a baby and learn what she likes and what she doesn't. I'm going to try to follow these rules to introduce foods to her and keep it fun for all involved.
1. Thou shalt not force, bribe or coerce thy child to eat.
2. Thou shalt set a good example by eating at least five fruits and vegetables, three whole grain products, and three dairy servings per day thyself.
3. Thou shalt make mealtimes pleasant.
4. Thou shalt encourage thy child to help in meal planning, preparation, and cleanup.
5. Thou shalt back off when mealtime becomes a power struggle.
6. Thou shalt accept food "binges" as phases that will eventually pass.
7. Thou shalt accept the fact that thy child is an individual and thus will dislike certain foods (and there may be many!).
8. Thou shalt not give up on introducing thy child to new foods. Thou shalt realize it sometimes takes ten tries to get a child to accept a food.
9. Thou shalt use this division of responsibility for eating: As the parent, thou art responsible for deciding when and what to serve. Thy child is responsible for deciding how much (if any) will be eaten.
10. Thou shalt give thy child a multivitamin-mineral supplement if he is a picky eater.

A Response

As you read this I hope you are using my calm rational voice and not my crazy hyperventilating angry voice. Because I'm not angry, I'm just over it.

"Sad, angry, ashamed, lost, alone, unloved, uncared for, unappreciated, abandoned, rejected"

That covers a lot of ground. The thing with me though is I'm sure there are lies that I believe but I know that there are lies that others are thinking about me. One lie I feel that I've believed for too long is that it was somehow my fault, that I invited, or encouraged it or in some way made it seem acceptable for what happened to me. THAT is my lie. And I know it's a lie. But what I feel that others believe to be true is that it is over just because my violator has been forgiven. What happened still happened, it was traumatizing and a complete desecration of all that I knew to be true at that time, but just because I forgive a person for the act they committed does not mean I can relive my life without the knowledge that people are capable of evil. I can't unlearn that lesson and it has nothing to do with lies or truth really, it's just there. Yes, it hurts and it won't ever stop hurting. There are times in life where little bits are taken from you; I feel that in several instances in my life pieces were taken from me. This time a huge chunk was cut out, with Jacob another piece went missing, and there is healing to be done for sure, but I do not want to reclaim those pieces of me, they are dirty and they are broken and they would no longer fit into the spaces they left. I’ve filled my life with other things, beauty and life and babies and love and I’ve not covered up my holes I’ve filled them with faith and the belief that not all men are evil. I’ve plodded my way through my trials and I’ve looked at that valley of the shadow of death and I felt no fear of evil. I feel no fear. Were I to look my violator in the eye I could stand and say “You hurt me once, and I’ll not let you do that again” but I don’t want to. It’s not required of me. So I won’t. And when moments like last night happen, when flood gates open and tears rush forth and hearts are torn to pieces again, it’s not because I do believe a lie. It’s because I know the truth. I know what happened to me, I have a stone in my chest that weighs heavy on my heart because I KNOW what happened to me.

I see things that remind me of that time and I feel the pain in my chest again, a reminder that something horrible and EVIL happened to me; an absolute abuse of my trust and love. When there are moments of recollection I feel taken advantage of again. I feel used again. I feel that no one understands or cares to understand my hurt because they are all too busy forgiving him for me, when it’s not their place to do so. I find it insulting to hear that he’s been forgiven by others. I am the only one that needs to do any forgiving and I’ve done that. He is nothing to me now. And I am able to believe that because I hold no hate for him any more. That’s not to say though that I forget what happened to me. He is still not allowed anywhere near my children. He is not allowed anywhere near me. He is not allowed to exist in my world because he has done evil to me. He has done what should NEVER be done by one human to another. And because of that he is nothing. He is forgiven and he can go his own way. But he MUST go away. There is nothing in the Bible that says I need to allow my rapist to become an active part of my family again and live my life like no harm was done. I am not required by God to spend time with him, getting to know him as a changed man, as a repenting, sorrowful man who regrets the things he's done. I am not required to listen to him beg for my forgiveness. I've given it already because I am told by my faith that I must forgive and forget. Well I do forgive him for raping me and now I would like for forget he ever existed.

Levi

I read a blog today that got me thinking about my brother. When we were smaller I used to hold my brother's hand when we walked down the street. I used to hide under the covers with him and talk about our day and laugh about silly things that only we found important. I used to watch him as he stalked squirrels and birds with his bow and arrows or gun, and I’d make stories in my head about how he was the kid from My Side of the Mountain or White Fang. I used to talk to him about girls and I’d talk to him about music, and I remember thinking that out of all the guys in our school I was glad that he was my little brother. I remember all of that. But I also remember the horrible things I did and said to him. The absolute nastiness. The spitefulness and bullying and downright heartlessness I showed to him. I wish I could take back all the times I directed my hate towards him, tried to keep him down so that I was always on top, always the favorite, always the one noticed first.
Now I look at him and I see such a good man and I wonder how he got there. It must have been while I wasn’t looking and it’s not that hard to imagine because I turned my back on him for so long. I see him in fits and spurts of time now, random weekends and holidays and birthdays and now, finally, I SEE him. He’s smart, so smart and witty and he’s confident and he’s got talent and imagination. He’s overflowing with compassion and gentleness. He’s a joy to be around; he’s full of such love and delightful sunshine that I crave his company. And I kick myself for all the years of anger and resentment that I made him feel. I have a memory; I keep it so far away from the front of my mind because it hurts my heart to see it played back for me. I don’t know what I said or did to hurt him this time but I can hear his cries echoing in the halls and in my mind still, and I can hear my mother telling me “Amanda, he loves you so much.” And I just say “So.” And I walk away. What a heartless, unfeeling monster I must have seemed to him. It’s so unbelievably small for me to tell him I love him now. I need bigger words than that. I need something larger than love to show him, I need something more that my heart to give him. And until the day that there is that to give him I'll say, my baby brother, I do love you so much.

Wordless Wendesday

A New Year

Today I am blogging out of obligation. The last thing I want to do today is sit and type up a bunch of information that all of you already know, but for the sake of one day looking back and remembering I’m sitting here, typing it all out.
This Christmas/New Year Holiday was such a wonderful experience for my whole family. Grandma came and stayed for almost a whole week though not quite long enough. I got some great photos of her with Laine that I’ve been trying to get for almost a year now, however they are on my old camera at home, so I'll have to post those some other time.
I got the week between Christmas and the New Year off work so that I could stay home with Laine, and wouldn’t you now it that when I was just about to get the best Christmas gift ever and get some serious one on one time with my kid, I got sick. Like really sick, I was completely useless for a solid two days, thank God my mom was able to watch Laine for me; otherwise she’d have been in the medicine cabinet or something awful while I lay close to death on the couch. But instead I was able to sleep for 13 hours strait and take some amazing antibiotics and by Wednesday I was feeling 100 times better, and by Friday I was completely wonderfully healthy again. However since I hadn’t known for sure what our plans were going to be or how I was going to be feeling Erik and I made no promises as to where we’d be for New Year and so on the 1st Erik and I had to do a quick step-hop-skip-jump kind of move to get to everyone for the New Year. We spent the earlier part of the day at my mom’s house preparing for the get together she was planning for her house. Around 6:00 we blazed out of there to go home and change and get back on the road so that we could drop Laine off at Tricia’s and be down at James and Cassie’s by 8:00. We just barely made it in time and were supposed to be out of there by 9:00 but I got caught up in my scrapbook page so I made us late getting back on the road. WE got to my parents house close to 10:00 and stayed for an hour playing Wii with Mr. and Mrs. Schmale and mom and dad. It was so much fun; I can’t even tell you how much fun. I have NO PICTURES, that’s how much fun I was having. HA! Then as we were getting close to 11:00 we headed strait back to Tricia’s to spend our midnight with them. Laine was asleep for a little while but woke up right before we left. Midnight was fun, I got to kiss this really great guy and then he and I both got to kiss this really great girl. Holiday’s spent with family are quickly becoming my favorite.
Oh, also on the 1st, as we were helping mom bake stuff, Laine took her first steps! Just one or two and I totally missed it but I got to see her second try and I also got to catch her try again the next day. Her fourth tooth also came during the holiday. So many changes in so little time. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Laine 365

Wordless Wednesday

Weeked Update, Christmas Special

This week so far has been the best week ever! Laine is having her first Christmas, Erik and I are finally getting to have our first family Christmas that we've been planning and we got to spend Christmas day with both of our families! Everything happend this week like it was supposed to and there were no fights and no owies and everyone was happy and together. I really can't believe how awesome this holiday turned out to be.




As for photo's there are just so many, so I'll leaving you with a link to my Facebook page and there you will find all the photos. I've taken the time to caption each of them so hopefully you can follow along with our weekend, when you see it I hope you can forgive me for not taking the time to put it up here too.
I hope everyone's Christmas holiday was as blessed as mine!

Update

Laine is sick again. She has another ear infection but this time it’s only in one ear and its swelling. Also instead of a cough it’s got a sore throat with it, but that cough should develop in the next couple of days. She was put on a broader spectrum antibiotic and she is on a very strict schedule with her Tylenol, every four hours exactly or her fever spikes. She has hardly any appetite, except for cheerios; she’ll eat those any time. She’s lethargic, staring blankly at nothing for long spans of time and she just wants to be held constantly.
This is not the little girl I’m used to.
The last couple of days her laugh has gotten even more beautiful since we don’t hear it. When she smiles it stops everything else in the room. That little snaggle-toothed smile that is a constant light usually and now it’s just flashed like a busted strobe light and we just have to bask in the warmth it brings when it does spark; you wouldn’t believe the antic’s Erik and I are willing to pull just to get her to smile.
She hasn’t been wanting to sleep much either, she wants to take little cat naps and then she’ll stay out for about five hours at night then she’s up before the sun, screaming the roof down. And the more she screams the more it hurts her throat so she cries more and then she hurts more so she cries more… I’ve been taking the time to cry with her, she seems to appreciate the company.
Erik said this morning that he had her lying on the couch next to him and that she sat up, grabbed her blanket (the pink one that is her favorite) and she pulled and kicked at it until it covered her up, stuck her thumb in her mouth and laid back down and started watching TV.
This is not the little girl I’m used to. Poor thing.

Laine's Sick Again

So this is all I can do for now, enjoy.

Sisters, Sisters

Never were there such devoted sisters.

I’m not one of those people that can say “I’ve always wanted a sister” because I didn’t, half the time I didn’t even want the brother I had, so now that I am grown and my one brother has turned into three brothers and six sisters I’m a little overwhelmed by it at times, especially during the Christmas season when you are made to realize how big your family really is. When I sat to make my Christmas shopping list this year I was surprised at how long it’s gotten in the past few years, it seems we are adding one every year. Count them out: Momma and Daddy, Torben and Patricia, Levi and Sydney, James and Cassie, Darren and Audrey, Alicia, Jennifer, Kate, Jacob and Joshua, Grandma, Poppy and Grandmother Rosendahl. Holy Silent Night Batman! That’s not even including our friends that we count as family and my own husband and live-at-home kid. Haha! I LOVE it! Christmas gets better and better with the more people you add and I can’t even remember what I found so terrible about someone else joining my family. One day when time travel is possible I’ll have to go visit my three year old self and say tell her that we don’t need to try to drop baby Levi on his head, we really do love him and are even better now that he’s given us Sydney.
I got to thinking about this even more last night after I got home from Miss Andrea’s house. Jennifer and Kate had been baby sitting for me and when I got home around 8:30 Laine was already asleep in bed, so I felt a little sad that I missed out on Laine time for the day, but my sisters took care of me, they gave me video and photos of their night with Laine; it’s like I didn’t miss a thing.
I love every one of my sisters, each one for different reasons; but Jenn and Kate take the prize this week.

Thoughtful Thursday

There is always music in my kitchen; it's the one room there will always be music in my house. It’s never turned off; just sometimes it gets turned down. Next time you’re in my kitchen test it and see for yourself, the little radio by the stove, turn it up, music is always on. I prefer it that way. Actually I prefer to live my life that way, with music always on. I never know when I’m going to need that little pick me up. Also it’s how I make some of my decisions, like last week I couldn’t decide what to make for dinner, baked chicken and potatoes or spaghetti and meat sauce, I turned up the radio and 30 Seconds to Mars was playing. Jared Leto is a beefcake so… meat sauce. Once I needed help deciding on what shoes to wear to church and Friday Night’s Alright for Fighting was playing so… sneakers, because who wears flip flops to a fight.
Anyway now since Laine takes her bath in the kitchen sink I always have music on during bath time, sometimes it makes her dance and sometimes she screams for me to turn it off, last night she didn’t' seem to care one way or the other, but since I want to make her bath time as enjoyable as possible, I scrolled through the radio stations to see what she wanted to listen to... and wow. Here’s a video of that.

She likes the Mexican. She digs Zydeco and she LOVES polka. Thank God for the BBC radio station, they play all kinds of accordion music on the weekends.
I know my dad is probably giggling like a little boy right now. Polka! What’s next? Khaki pants and chess club?! My God, what burdens have You set on my shoulders? Couldn’t she get into Emo like all the other kids? What am I going to do?
I’ll tell you what I’m going to do, I’m going to blast me some Tejano jams and dance like I love me some lederhosen. Because she’s my kid, and she can like whatever kind of music she wants. I’ll just be glad she likes music at all.

Wordless Wednesday

Weekend Update

Is it just me or has the last few weeks flown past? Every day is running into the next, nothing is ever different. I get up, I work, I come home, and I sleep. In between I take care of Laine and Erik and the laundry.
Friday I left work close to four in the afternoon so I got home right at 5:00. Picked Laine up and was going to do a little shopping but decided against it, the mall was packed and I had some place to be in a few hours anyway so I didn’t want to try shopping if I was going to have to rush. So at 6:30 I headed over to the White’s and hung out with Mizz Andrea and my mom until about 9:00 then I went home to meet up with Erik and try to get some snuggle time in before bed but he was working so I went to bed alone.
Saturday I had to get some errands run so I took Laine with me to CVS and Hobby Lobby and the bank while Erik took April to the vet to see about the rash she’s developed. We met back at the house close to the same time and then left together to meet mom for lunch then head over to the Verizon store to get me a new phone that doesn’t suck. It’s amazing; it’s smarter than I am for sure. After Verizon we went to Kohl’s and Target and PetsMart before heading back towards home. On our way we stopped by a Christmas tree lot but didn’t find anything we liked, all the trees were scraggly looking so we opted for looking elsewhere another time. We thought that other time was going to be on Sunday but it wasn’t. Sunday we went to church to see Amy and Jacob and Josh in the Christmas play that the children’s classes were putting on, everyone was so wonderful. I can’t wait for Laine to be up there with her brothers, it’ll be so great, but I’ll definitely need better seats next time.
After church Laine and I took about a two hour nap together while Erik worked. He was still working when I got up, he was still working when I fed Laine and he was still working when I put her down for her second nap hours later. Finally around 5:00 he stopped just long enough for us to make a quick visit to his parents house, we visited and ate dinner and had some coffee then Erik got another call and had to go back home to work again. He was just crawling into bed when I woke up with Laine at 4:00. I know the economy suck and I know I should be grateful that he even has a job, and I am. But I really can’t express to you how much I truly hate his job. We still don’t have a Christmas tree.

Good Times

Wordy Wednesday Weekend Update

I feel as though I’ve neglected my blogging duties by being three days late in posting my weekend update. I know you’ve all been sitting at your computers losing entire workdays hitting Refresh (or F5) over and over; waiting for those beautiful words to spontaneously appear “Weekend Update” it’s like a flashing ball of happiness that seeps into you and officially starts your week off on a good note. I know this and I am so sorry that this week must be sucking so badly for all of you without my update to start you off, but I’ve had issues. You’ll forgive me, I know you will.
So Friday was a wonderful day as you would know from watching the video and seeing the pictures from my last post. Snow days are always fun when you get to play in the snow. By the time I got home it had all melted so Laine wasn’t able to see it until Saturday. Saturday was a super day; we had our family portraits taken by Colleen. All eleven of us were there and everyone brought the right clothes and everyone was happy and healthy and smiling for the photos and the boys were being wonderfully patient and cooperative, Laine is still a baby so excuses don’t need to be made for her. Here are a few of the best ones, and by best ones I mean the ones where I look the best. Hey, it’s my blog.
After pictures were done and everyone was back in the house Momma made hot cocoa for us and we ate cookies and just had a great evening together. Josie and Laine got to play on the countertop like children should be able to and had a blast. I got to see my person for a couple of hours outside of both of our houses and it was a wonderful day.
Sunday we did the cardboard testimonials at church. I got up on stage and stood there for like fifteen seconds, and this time I did not vomit so I’m thinking next time I can try for a full minute. Haha. Or not.
After church Momma and Daddy had us over for brisket and Darren and Audrey brought the boys over again, having time with the whole family for two days was something I should have taken way more pictures of, but Colleen takes better photos anyway.
Sunday night is when Laine started acting a little sick. She started coughing right before we put her to bed and she coughed all night. By the morning her coughs sounded bad, like watery and she was way more congested than normal, so at 6:00 Monday morning I gave her some decongestant and some Tylenol and tried to give her a bottle but she didn’t want it. She’s always such a happy baby that we aren’t really that surprised when she is happy as she’s coughing and struggling to breath through her nose but happy or not, she was getting really sick so I took the day off work to take her into the doctor. On my way downtown I called the doctors office to let them know I was coming in, but no doctors were going to be in until after 10:30 so I wasted about an hour at Target and did a little Christmas shopping until it was time to head over, Laine was such a trooper having fun talking to strangers and pulling things off hangers and shelves if I pushed the cart too close, sometimes I would on purpose just to keep her happy. Our appointment was with a doctor that we haven’t seen before but one that I would totally see again if I had to. She took her time with Laine and really listened to all my worries and addressed every one of my concerns. She told me that Laine has a very bad ear infection, one that she called “impressive”. I had a little heart attack thinking her ears might fall off but the doctor told us that we caught it on what seemed to be its first day so it shouldn’t take more than two or three days to clear up. We’ve got Laine on eh brat diet again and it’s keeping the medication from affecting her too badly. Her diapers are a little worse but no where near what they could be. As we all know. After the doctors appointment we met Erik for lunch to catch him up on the very first doctor’s visit that he’s ever missed. I think he felt bad for not being there on her first official sick visit. (They apparently don’t count the stomach virus as sick since she wasn’t given any kind of medication)
(They apparently don’t count the prescription diaper cream as a medication because she had a reaction and quit using it)
(Ha! Whatever)
After leaving Erik Laine and I headed over to CVS to get her prescription filled and since it was raining so badly I went to the drive through and drove around Friendswood and League City until it was filled. But then when I went back I realized I needed to get some more Aquaphor in case she had explosive butt reactions to this medication as well and I needed Tylenol for myself to deal with the pressure headache that had started that morning. So I ended up dragging her out into the rain anyway. The pharmacist was incredibly nice to me and gave me a sucker since Laine was too young and he reassured me that as a new mom I must be doing something right since at ten months this is her first ear infection. I figure he was just saying nice things but as I had a headache and I was drenched and my kid was cranky and cold and hungry it was nice to hear that from a stranger.
So once we got home we played in the living room for a bit and I fed her some rice cereal with cinnamon which seems to be one of her favorite meals, she ate about twice what she normally does and took her medicine happily. She decided to conk out at 4:30 and seemed to want to stay asleep but I woke her up at 6:00 to take her to the White's house for Amy’s birthday. Erik was so upset that he wasn’t going to make it on time and was rushing to meet us there. I think Erik and Amy are a great pair, soul mates, brothers in another life, they get along so well. We stayed out until almost 9:30 before heading home and putting Laine to bed finally. She slept all night and we sent her off to daycare Tuesday with instructions to feed her only apples and bananas and cereal. Since the formula they have at the daycare is milk based I asked them to give her only water if it looked like she was thirsty and they dint’ give her any bottles for the whole day, I was so glad they did what I asked. So instead of three meals and two bottles she had four meals. However when I got there at 6:30 she hadn’t napped since 12:30 so as soon as I got her home I gave her some medicine and a little formula changed her diaper and put her to bed by 7:00. She woke up right at 6:45 this morning super happy and completely not congested. She looked like she felt a lot better. I had to leave for work but Erik gave her medicine and cereal for breakfast and said she was really happy for the rest of the morning. I had the car seat with me again, like a jerk, so Erik had to walk Laine to daycare but he said they enjoyed it. I’m hoping today that I’ll be able to do a little shopping before going home, we’ll see.

Snow In Texas

Oh, shut the state down! Haha, or maybe just the office. Today is a snow day for me and my coworkers who have all turned into seven year old kids.

Maybe I'm Crazy

Last night was a good enough night. After work I got held up in traffic so that by the time I got to Laine’s daycare she was asleep, I try to get to her before that usually because I had to wake her up and get her to the car and she typically doesn’t do well going strait from sleep to uncomfortable chair of doom. She and I took a trip to the grocery store and the whole time I was there Laine kept wanting to be picked up so that she could reach for things on the shelf easier, then she wanted to be put back in the cart so she could chew on the nasty handlebar, then she wanted to be picked up and lay on my shoulder then she wanted to be put back into the cart to cry and be inconsolable for the rest of the shopping trip. Once I was done and got her into the car she cheered up. She sang to me and talked to me the whole way home and then was in the most wonderful mood ever for dad while he fed and bathed her as I was making dinner. After we ate Laine and I lounged on the couch for a while and watched the Italian Job. Mark Wahlberg makes her as happy as he makes me. When she went down she crashed hard and didn’t wake up again until right as I was walking out the front door to leave for work. If the world ended today I could go on to whatever afterlife I get with a peaceful mind. I got to spend a good night with my kid and husband, cuddling and laughing and generally enjoying each others company. So this morning when I woke up late because I slept through my alarm clock I was okay with that. I just figured that I must be missing some accident or crazy man with a gun that is going to hold up the car that would have been me if I’d been there on time. So my calm had not been damaged; I was still in the glow of my good night. And when it took me almost a half an hour to fight through traffic just to get to the highway I was okay with that, there was a reason for it, and it probably had something to do with the Yeti rampaging down I45, knocking cars away like little Tonka trucks that that his little brother left in the bathroom to be stepped on in the dark. And when I got cut off twice in less than a minute by the same car that couldn’t decide what lane it wanted to be in, I was okay with that. I had some good music to sing along to and I had an excellent cup of gas station coffee to warm me up, so I could let some aggressive driver have their way because chances are they don’t have the coffee that I do and they don’t have a connection to music like I do, they probably listen to talk radio anyway. So their hostility is understandable to me, and I can let it go. I can allow them their bad mood; because if there is anything in life that I truly hate, it is someone telling me that I’m not allowed to feel the way I do. That brings us to my reason for typing this blog at all. I was making a cup of coffee earlier, just trying to get my day started, and I noticed that there was a mouse turd on the counter, so I dumped the coffee out, I emptied the coffee pot and started washing it out, scrubbing every surface of it and then set another pot to brew, because mice are dirty creatures and I’m not going to accidentally contract the plague because I drank from a carafe that a mouse made love to (for all I know). One of my coworkers asked me what I did to the coffee that was made and I told him, he then commented that there was a greater chance that there was no plague and I just wasted a good pot of coffee that there was of there being the plague and it surviving the brewing processes and would kill us all. That comment got so far under my skin that it was actually a part of me for a moment. It was a nothing comment but I guess that everything from this morning that I thought wasn’t bothering me was really just building up silently underneath the peace and joy that I so desperately wanted to keep. Now I’m sitting at my desk. I have a whatever cup of coffee, I’m listening to whatever music and typing a whatever blog that I may not even post because really, it’s whatever. And I know for a fact that if I were to try and explain the way I’m feeling to any of you you’d tell me to calm down and don’t be melodramatic. I know I’ve got a little crazy in me, my husband and person tell me that often enough. I know I’m an exaggerator, I take things that are maybe four out of ten stars of crazy and I make them eight. And when folks try to tell me “no no no, it’s only four stars crazy” I can’t understand why they think my crazy scale is the same as theirs. It’s eight, no, now that I think about it it’s more like twenty-three, but that’s because my scale goes to a million. When I’m told that I’m being unrealistic and not thinking in a normal logical way I don’t magically start thinking logical realistic thoughts, I don’t spontaneously quit being afraid of things. Just because people laugh at me doesn’t mean that I’m not afraid of little doors anymore. Just because there are scientific facts stating that sneezing seven times in a row doesn’t kill you doesn’t mean that I believe it. And just because some jerk with a bad attitude doesn’t believe that mice carry the plague anymore doesn’t mean I’m going to go and more or less lick a mouse’s face. I begin to question how it is that people who were once children with astonishing imaginations lost them, how they became people that like to steal all the wonder out of the world. My fears and rationalities are what make me who I am. My thought process is who I am. If I didn’t think the way I do I wouldn’t be me. And if I were me I’d be a boring ass person for sure. When I’m told that I’m crazy, or I get the “Okay Amanda, your right, clowns aren’t scary” with the rolley eyes and heavy sigh it makes me feel crazy, it makes me feel like thinking I’m just misunderstood is actually my crazy brain rationalizing for it’s crazy thoughts. It makes me think that I’m in my own world and that my world is wrong. I find it to be sad that I can start a day off with wonderfully peaceful thoughts and a warm loving feeling wrapped around me and then half way through the morning I end up not being able to give a crap even if you hooked me up to a crap-giving machine. It’s whatever.

Wordless Wednesday

Water Baby

Laine got to spend the day with Mom and Josh instead of going to daycare yesterday. Mom said she only took two half hour naps and I believe it because when we got home she was so worn out. I got to Mom and Dad’s close to 6:00 and since Erik was running late I went to dinner with them at Kelly’s for some soup and a grilled cheese sandwich that was so amazing that I saved some for lunch today. I got home close to 7:00 and Laine was rubbing her eyes and getting a little cranky so I stripped her real quick for a bath; she hadn’t had one in almost two days and instead of letting myself go to bed feeling like a bad mom, I made my kid get in the sink and wash up. She didn’t seem that interested at first, she just sat there and let me wash her off, she raised her arms when I said “up” and put her head back for me when I was rinsing off her head, she seemed very ho-hum about the whole process right up until I got the squirter out. This time I remembered to get the cold water out first so I sprayed her all over with the warm water and that started to perk her up, so I let it squirt out at a little more than a slow drip to see if she’d be interested in playing in the water, and she leaned forward and started to let it hit her in the mouth. Everything goes into her mouth so I wasn't too surprised but usually she drinks the water, this time she just picked up her tongue and let it hit the bottom of her mouth. She smiled at me every now and then and got a little aggravated with me once because I was trying to take pictures and aim the water at the same time and I got her strait between the eyes. She stayed interested in the water for about ten minutes but when I stopped spraying in her mouth to spray it on her back to make sure she stayed warm she lost all interest and started puling at my shirt to get out. I got her dressed in some warm pajamas and sat down with her to watch some TV and give her a bottle. She was so tired that she started getting fussy. Her eyes were red from rubbing them and she couldn’t get comfortable, I wish I had taken a photo of the position she ended up in. She was on her back across my stomach, her head hanging off the side almost upside down and she kept picking her feet up so they were curling up towards her chest and once she got in what looked to me like the most uncomfortable position ever she started snoring and her arms fell up above her head, dangling off the edge of the couch. I’m telling you it was the most adorable and funny position ever. I had to do a bit or juggling her to be able to pick her up but she didn’t wake up. She stayed out all night too. Seems to me that grandma wore her out good.