Dear Mom, Levi, Andrea and Sam

The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated. I struggle with feeling underappreciated and unloved and I strive to be valued by my friends and family, I need for everyone to see what I do when I’m able to do it, but it’s my own fault that most don’t when I am the first one to point out all that I am incapable of or unwilling to do. It’s hard for people to see what I do when I keep my hand in front of their face. It’s something I’ll need to work on in the future. Starting today I’m making the promise to myself that I will not say things that will highlight my inadequacies, I will not allow offhand remarks about my cooking or cleaning to damage my calm, and most of all I will not allow myself to deny help.
That last one is important for me, I always turn down help. “I can handle it myself” or “No worries, I’ll do it soon”, just isn’t cutting it anymore and that was made obvious to me last night. Normally I find it difficult to ask for help with things that I view as being strictly my responsibility, but I’ve seen now that just because it’s my burden doesn’t mean I can’t accept help carrying it.
And boy, I didn't just get help this time. My burden, my boulder on my shoulder, my albatross around my neck was taken from me, wholly and utterly adopted by people whom I cannot ever express in words how much they mean to me. When I saw all that help and all that love shown to me I cried from the joy it brought me. With the past few months being as chaotic as they’ve been for us Erik and I try our best to do all that needs to be done and sometimes we succeed, but most times we don’t. The last two months have been especially hard; I went back to work and it took away a lot that I had hoped to keep; like time. But I soldier on, doing laundry when I can, dishes when I can, vacuuming when I can. But as you figured out, lately I just can’t. I had no energy at the end of every day to put towards my home. I was feeling inadequate as a wife and I was feeling that I was failing in the basic aspect of motherhood in that I could not keep a clean house for my daughter.
I was at my breaking point, driving home from work yesterday. I was thinking about all that needed to be done around the house and how much I just wanted to sit with Laine instead of doing it all; and then I come home and walk in the door to found what you had given to me. Time and energy; time I didn’t have to spend cleaning and the energy to spend my new time having fun with Laine, one on one, no running back and forth between her and the laundry room. No jostling her around on my hip as I try to straiten up the living room. It was just me and her dancing in the kitchen and making dinner for dad. It was the most beautiful night. Laine was in a perfect mood, the music on the radio was exactly what I wanted to hear, and the chicken came out perfect. I had a clean table to set with clean dishes. I had a clean couch to lounge on. I had a clean nightgown to wear into a clean bed. Now everything that I had been stressing about and everything that was weighing on me and everything that I allowed to go undone has been taken care of. For that I thank you. For that I love you. For that I am grateful and I hope you know how huge this is for me. I’ve not been given a gift this precious by anyone before. You helped raise my spirit up from the dark places it was going and you’ve taken the cloud that was sitting over my home and let the sun shine bright on our faces again.
Thank you. I can’t say it enough. Thank you.