Nothing Right

Yesterday was one of those days where Mommy couldn’t get anything quite right. After work I went strait to La Petit to get Laine, I felt like I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. I pull into the parking lot and Laine is sitting near the window being read to, I was going to sneak past so she wouldn’t see me and start crying before I could get to her but it’s like she has a Mommy Radar that lets her know when I’m in proximity because she did this awfully weird head turn and then did her laugh cry scream maMaMA thing that she does. So I hurried into the office only to remember that I’d left my debit card in the car so I ran back and she saw me again and looked so betrayed, like I was leaving without her and I could hear her crying through the glass. It was pitiful. I raced back in and paid my bill for the week but it seemed to take forever, I could hear her in the office crying, when I got back to her room finally her face was so read and she ran at me with her arms up and I thought I was going to get one of her sweet big hugs but at the last few steps she stopped and just looked at me crying, like “Maybe you don’t deserve a hug, Mommy”. It was horrible. I picked her up and tried to soothe her and we went outside to the car, but then she wouldn’t let go of me so I could put her in the car seat. I had to stand in the parking lot rubbing her back and shushing her until we were both sweating before finally she let me buckle her in. She cried in the car on the way home because somehow the sun was in her eyes the whole way. The WHOLE WAY! It’s like she had her own little sun following her like the rain clouds in cartoons. We got home and I got her out and took her right upstairs. I asked her if she wanted to take a bath and she nodded her head really hard, I guess that’s a big yes and she ran to the bathroom and tried to crawl into the tub. She started crying again when I made her come back out of the bathroom to get undressed. Finally she gets into the bath and is the happiest I’d seen her all day. She’s playing and counting to three and throwing water around then she starts saying “up, up, up” at me like I need to get in with her and I need a shower anyway so I do. I get in there but I don’t want to make her mad by turning the shower on so I stick my head under the faucet to get my hair wet, which kind of pins her to the side of the tub for a bit and she gets a little agitated, so I step back and let her have the water again. She starts sticking her face into the water stream then backing out and laughing at me then doing it again, like she’s getting herself wet like I do. She seemed very proud of herself. When I was done with my bath I got back out and let her have the tub to herself for a while longer. She started stomping in the water and almost slipped a few times so I turned the water off and let her play until it all drained out and it looked like she might be getting cold. She didn’t want to get out and I was back to being the bad guy again. I got her onto the bed and it took a while to explain to her that I needed to put her diaper and pants on before I could put her shoes on. I think she understood me because this morning she handed me her shorts and then her shoes. She’s a smart kid. After she was dressed I was toweling off my hair when I see her opening my bedroom door (it doesn’t latch, we just found this out since we hardly ever close our door) and running into the hallway towards the stairs. Laine knows she’s not allowed on the stairs alone but she ran strait for them and got down one step and looked through the bars at me with the “look what I did” face and I was only a step or two behind her saying No No! the whole way so when I got to her I snatched her up and popped her bottom twice pointed to the stairs, said No No! again and set her back inside my bedroom door, closed the door and said No No! again. She started crying then, not when I popped her but when I shut her away from the hallway. Like her feelings were hurt, not that her bottom hurt. This made me want to cry because I wanted the pop to hurt, not her feelings. I sat on the couch and let her cry for a few minutes, she wailed and kicked her feet and gave me looks like I wasn’t invited to her birthday party then got up and pointed at the door and started sniffling. When I felt I was opening the door because it was time to go downstairs, not because she demanded it, we went to the top of the stairs. I said “Hold my hand” and held my hand out to her and you would have thought I’d popped her again. She folded her hands into her blanked and backed away crying, the way she does when she wants to do something herself. I know she can go down the stairs just fine on her own and when I’m right beside her I’ll let her go without holding my hand, but not when she’s upset, she gets a little clumsy when her vision is blurry. So eventually I had to pick her up and carry her down the stairs at which point she went right back to them and tried to crawl up them again. I popped her once on the bottom, not hard this time just kind of a reminder and it worked, she stayed away from them for the rest of the night. I went into the laundry room and got myself dressing in some comfy pajamas and asked Laine if she wanted to go see Nana. She nodded at me and smiled big and I felt a little better, like finally I can do something to make her happy. After that she started following me around, basically with her head in my butt. I was having to be careful walking because my feet would hit her when I took a step, and when I was packing up my stuff I put Mom’s dress and Damone’s bra that I’d borrowed for the funeral on a hanger together and then put my camera on there too, so maybe I wouldn’t have to bring a bag with me. I turned around to head for the door and said “Come on Laine” since my hands were full I needed her to walk to the car, but in turning around the camera swung on the hanger and knocked her clean on the head, and that’s when she really started crying. She kept swiping at her head because I’m sure she didn’t know what else to do, it had to hurt; it hurt just hearing the thunk on her noggin. I tried to pick her up and carry her to the car but my hands were still really full so I ended up picking her up in the most awkward position possible. But in true baby fashion she snuggled into me and was sucking her thumb with her eyes closed by the time I got to the car, but I couldn’t let her stay comfortable now could I? I had to get the car door open and put all the stuff in the front seat and get her into her chair. I made a game out of saying “sit in the chair” with her so she’d want to sit in her chair. And she eventually did, so we were finally on our way to Nana’s house. Once we got to Nana’s house we set Mom’s dress on her bed and Damone’s bra on her bed then we went into the play room to find them putting together a puzzle. Laine wanted my mom right away and was really happy just sitting with her playing and reading a book.

Laine was hungry so we made her a plate of vegetables from the soup mom had made. I’m not sure if she bit her tongue or if it was spicy but all of a sudden she started crying again. It wasn’t that bad of a cry, just one that made it seems like she was hurting somewhere. I tried holding her and mom tried holding her and finally we made her a bottle and she was fine. She ate the rest of her diner and was happy the remainder of our visit. Just about twenty minutes before we were going to leave mom’s house Laine got into a really happy playful mood. My dad had already gone to bed and his door was still open and I would have liked to have been quiet for him but I’m sure he’ll understand. Laine was happy; I wouldn’t have cared if it did bother him. I just wanted to make her laugh and scream and run around and be happy. I’m so glad our night ended well. She fell asleep in the car after I drove around the neighborhood for about ten minutes and she slept the rest of the night.

This morning she was happy still and wonderfully beautiful and I find I still think she’s the best kid in the whole world ever.