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Laine was in a cranky mood last night. Miss Danielle told me that she’d been asking for her daddy for half the day. Crying and being nearly inconsolable because she wanted Erik so badly. She used to do that for me but ever since I got sick and I wasn’t able to spend any time with her she’s switched teams on me. I love the fact that she wants her dad around her so much, for months she hardly even knew who he was when he’d come home and my heart would break for him because she wouldn’t even let him hold her for two seconds before she’d reach and cry for me. And I had a healthy amount of sympathy for him since Laine would do the same thing to me whenever my mom is around.
But now that Laine is all about Erik I’m getting it all the time and I have no one to feel sympathy for. It’s easier to deal with when you know someone else is going through it too, but now I feel like I’m the only one she doesn’t want to be with. At my parents house Nanny is still number one, but PawPaw is a dang close second. She loves to go back and forth between them. And when we are home Daddy is the only person Laine wants to be with. She cries if I try to take her into the other room or if I try to play with her. Like, all I’m doing is getting in the way. She gets really aggravated with me when I get between her and who she wants to be with.
She doesn’t even look at me when I drop her off at daycare anymore and she refuses to give me kisses goodbye. I know it’s just a fixation on something different now, but it used to be me, always me and only me and now it’s not and I miss it so much. I feel forgotten and left behind and for a while I could laugh at it but now it makes me cry. I’m the one crying for her while she’s crying for someone else.
Sure it sounds silly and I just need to wait it out and she’ll switch it up again soon and want me all the time again, but until then I’m just so lonely without her. There is a very big Laine shaped hole in my arms.
Erik tries to help me out by handing her to me regularly and like, when we are sitting on the floor playing he’ll set her in my lap and sit really close across from her so that I can at least hold her for a while. But I feel that I shouldn’t have to trick my kid into being near me. I already have one kid that I have to struggle with to get attention from; I don’t want to have to fight my children for hugs. It hurts.
Today I’m really just wishing Laine will smile at me when I pick her up, not start crying and asking for daddy right away. It’s embarrassing to cry in front of the daycare workers.