Topic one: I’ve been baking a lot. A lot. A. lot. It’s been fun and time consuming and relaxing and so inconvenient all at the same time. I love to bake, I’ve recently figured out. I know I can make things that some people really enjoy, it’s not for everyone, I know, but I can do some things for some people that can sometimes make them happy. Baking is one thing I can do. I’m trying to expand on what I can do. I’m going to be trying to put aside the box cake mixes and make my own cakes. I’m starting this week in developing my own recipe, one for yellow and one for chocolate so that from there I can make all my own flavors. I’ll be baking a lot and throwing away a lot unless there are folks that need cake.
Topic two: Erik has been working a lot. A lot. A seriously ridiculously stupid amount of work. And I hate it. And I miss him. And I hate it.
So far there is no convincing her that mommy’s right, there’s no making her do what I want, there is no mommy says baby does. Laine rules my home with a tiny iron fist. Of course she is spoiled, was there any doubt in anyone’s mind that I wouldn’t spoil the crap out of her? I want her to have every thing she wants; no matter how extravagant or insignificant I want her to have it all. Even the things that I can’t give her I want to encourage her to strive for everything she wants, however I’m starting to walk the fine line of raising her to expect all things instead of hoping and working for all things. I know that she’s only two but I really should have been doing a better job from the beginning. The person she will be when she’s older isn’t waiting to be made; she’s already halfway done with the process. Her building blocks are set into a foundation already; the only thing left to add on is experience. So when she screams for Fruit Loops at 1:30 in the morning I should be able to make it into a learning experience, a lesson in patience and respect. But 1:30 in the morning isn’t the time for me to be thinking like a teacher. It’s the time for me to be thinking like a working more or less single mom who got woken up only three hours into her sleep with only four hours left to go before morning. I do hope I can learn to take a moment and breath and remind myself that she’s not there at 1:30 in the morning screaming for Fruit Loops to annoy me; she’s there because she’s hungry. She’s not there at 2:00 in the morning pulling my arm and yelling my name to make me angry, she’s doing it because she’s had a bad dream or she fell out of the bed and she want me to talk to her until she calms down again.
I want to tear my hair out thinking about all the times I’ve turned a moment that could have been wonderful into something that is miserable. Do any mom’s ever get it right? It’s dumb that we can’t be perfect.
1 comment:
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. When you see yourself doing something badly, and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. There are there to stop the other people! These are quotes from THE LAST LECTURE 2007 by Randy Pausch.
Just remember your baby loves you. She has needs and can't express herself in sentences that make sense to you. They make perfect sense to her. I immediately remember the verse God spoke to me about you, "Love her unconditionally. Love never fails". That was good advice from a perfect parent.
I love you. You are doing a great job. Hang in there and learn from your experiences. We all do!
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